


we were something, don't you think so?

by lostandforgottenstar



Category: Formula 1 RPF, Motorsport RPF
Genre: Additional Tags to Be Added, Alternate Universe - Modern Setting, Hurt/Comfort, M/M, Roommates, found family trope, i'm just soft for these two 24/7 so i'm going through it rn, mentions of abuse and addiction
Language: English
Status: In-Progress
Published: 2021-01-02
Updated: 2021-02-07
Packaged: 2021-03-12 13:33:30
Rating: Mature
Warnings: Creator Chose Not To Use Archive Warnings
Chapters: 6
Words: 35,827
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/28511223
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/lostandforgottenstar/pseuds/lostandforgottenstar
Summary: “I spoke to Max, and we decided to… rent out your room. We’re not going to kick you out but we need help financially. We need someone who could cover the costs.” George wrapped his hands around the salt shaker and sighed, the bags under his eyes more prominent than they had been a few minutes ago.Enter Pierre Gasly, a man with lavish brown hair and frosted tips, and blue orbs that sparkled in the light.(in other words, a roommates!au that no one asked for.)
Relationships: Alexander Albon/Pierre Gasly
Comments: 24
Kudos: 54





	1. if you never bleed, you're never gonna grow

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> a new story, woohooo!  
> i've been working on this for a few weeks now, and it's already /quite/ long, but my aim is to hit 10 chapters so you're all in for a bit of a journey. it's actually heavily inspired by two songs: the 1 by taylor swift and mental illness by goodnight neverland. i've been listening to those two while writing this, so huge props to them for curing my writer’s block. hopefully you'll enjoy this bumpy ride that we're about to go through as much as i enjoyed writing it. i’ll post a new chapter every sunday, so mark your calendars!! 
> 
> notes: this is fiction. it is in no way, shape or form an accurate depiction of real life events. take everything you read with a pinch of salt. happy reading!

_do you remember being happy together?_

_i do, don't you?_

_then all of a sudden, you're sick to your stomach_

_is that still true?_

\- - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - 

Alex was enraged. 

With himself, with his team, with his friends. With every living being on this planet. 

He kicked the table one last time, making sure that the pain was felt all over his body. He was beating himself up over it, both physically and mentally. This was his last shot, and he blew it. 

He was making so much noise by thrashing his entire room that he gathered a crowd right outside his door. His roommates stood there, watching him through a small opening of the door, and contemplated whether they should get involved or let him continue his hissy fit. Max was the first one to intervene, pushing the door open and calling out to Alex. When it didn’t stop him from slamming his books on the floor, he moved towards him and shoved him in the back, trying to get his attention. 

The Thai-Brit turned around with ears blazing red and diluted eyes. He didn’t hesitate to tower over the Dutch man, asserting his dominance and making his presence felt. But Max didn’t budge or react to his antics. He was, more or less, used to this. “Are you done?”

“I’m not in the mood for your snarky responses. Piss off and leave me alone,” Alex spat, shoving Max a lot harder than he intended to. He watched him trip on his steps and waited for him to come back and fight him, but he didn’t. He stood there and crossed his arms, watching the older man with a puzzled look. It was becoming a common occurrence in this household. Alex would get excited over something, would pour all his time into it and breakdown when things go wayward. It was part of who he was, but it didn’t mean that it wasn’t infuriating for everyone involved. It was difficult to watch him go through extreme highs and lows in a matter of days, and it was harder knowing that they couldn’t do anything but wait until he rides the wave and gets back out from the other side. It was a painful experience, but it was what needed to be done.

Alex felt the guilt seep into his system a second after he noticed what he had done, but pride got in the way of him apologizing. He hated the person he was becoming, but he made no efforts to change who he was or what he did. He just… hoped things would get better with time. 

“I’m sure it went fine,” Max said after what felt like eons. He was trying to reassure him that he wasn’t a big, colossal fuck-up. That’s what they all tried to do, but it was no easy feat convincing someone of something they truly did not believe in. 

Alex heard the door creak open and saw George standing there, watching him with concerned eyes. Alex hated it. He hated how they pitied him, and how they looked at him like he was fragile. He hated how they treated him like he was made of glass; ready to shatter at any instance if it wasn’t handled with care. He hated it because he understood where they were coming from, but wished they would just treat him the same way he treated them. Awfully. Because he sure as hell deserved it. 

He was so angry with himself that he failed to notice his body shutting down on him and betraying him. He failed to notice how he lost his tough demeanor, and how he dropped the paper that was scrunched up so tightly in his fist. He failed to notice his knees meeting the floor first and his hands pulling at his shirt, trying to get rid of the remnants of all the bad feelings that were stored deep inside of him. 

He felt a pair of hands around him, and caught George seated behind him and Max slouched in front of him, both offering some sort of reassurance and comfort in a physical form. He couldn’t look them in the eyes though, because he knew the looks on their faces would ruin him even more. And he couldn’t stand it. 

He couldn’t believe how much of a disappointment he turned out to be. 

**& &&&&&&&**

He lost track of the days and time. He was simply living without actually living. He felt his body move from one place to another without his mind completely registering what was going on. He struggled to remember when he ate, and if he did. He was living aimlessly, and had no interest in getting his life back together. He was just waiting for his death. He was just waiting for God to pull the trigger on him, sooner rather than later, because he didn’t want to be here anymore. 

There was no point in being around when you had nothing to contribute. 

But things slowly got better. The hatred and resentment weren’t as prominent as they had been at the very beginning. They were still there, like the demon lingering behind your shoulders, but they did not cloud his every thought for what felt like a good while. Maybe he was finally riding the wave again. 

It was a foggy morning when George entered the kitchen with a half smile on his face. It was early - maybe too early for George to be up - but he didn’t question it. He simply stayed put and continued eating his cereal, his spoon clinking against the plate. The sun was barely out, so the kitchen was dark and it was hard to properly read his features. He didn’t know why he was awake so early. George was a morning person, but would never willingly wake up a lot earlier than he had to. It was bizarre, and only meant one thing.

“Hey, I finally caught you,” George mumbled, trying to keep his voice down. It was definitely early then. “It’s been a while since I’ve last seen you.”

“Yeah,” Alex agreed, his voice as silent as a whisper. It wasn’t until then that Alex noticed how absent he was, and how he hadn’t seen either one of them in the last two weeks. It was a skill, given how they shared the same space but somehow managed to avoid each other. He wasn’t sure whether it was done deliberately to give him the much needed space he wanted, or whether it was horrible timing. His optimistic self chose to believe the latter. Maybe it was an awful coincidence that they hadn’t stumbled into each other… at all. 

“I’ve been meaning to talk to you about this for a while, but I just never found the time to do it,” George began, quietly pulling the chair out and sitting on it. Alex’s eyes moved from his bowl to meet George’s, and to much of his relief, there was no sign of sympathy or pity in them. “We… we’re struggling to cover the costs of this apartment. Max and I can’t cover the rent on our own, and I know you’re trying to help out, but we just can’t go on like this anymore. Max was handed a notice the other day and somehow managed to sweet-talk his way into asking for an extension, but we just don’t have the funds for this place.” 

“I’ll figure it out.”

“We can’t drag this out any longer, Alex. We’re on a tight leash now. There’s only so many second chances that they can throw out, and we’ve pulled their hands a lot more than we should’ve. We ran out of spades now.”

Alex understood exactly what he meant by all this. He was still tip-toeing his way around Alex, and it was clear to see. Alex didn’t have a job, and couldn’t pay his part of the rent. Max and George both had stable jobs, but not enough to constantly cover for his ass. They had every right to call him out for his incompetence, but it wasn’t for a lack of trying. He just knew that he had to accept whatever decision they made, even if that meant kicking him out for being an awful roommate and putting him on the streets. 

“What now?” He knew his fate was sealed, and he dreaded it. He had nowhere to go. He had no one. He had absolutely nothing anymore. He didn’t have a back-up plan in place either. He was utterly lost, and it only piled up to his worries. 

“I spoke to Max, and we decided to… rent out your room. We’re not going to kick you out because we know how tough things are right now, and we’re not heartless like that, so we’ll let you stick around until you can pattern things up again. But until then, we need help financially. We need someone who could cover the costs. Otherwise, we have no other option but to leave this place and find somewhere cheaper, probably outside the city.” George wrapped his hands around the salt shaker and sighed, the bags under his eyes more prominent than they had been a few minutes ago. 

It… didn’t go as badly as Alex expected it to. He didn’t understand why they wanted to help him out in the first place. Six years ago, they were just a group of guys that were looking for roommates after moving to a big city. They were not indebted to each other. It wasn’t like they were lifelong friends. They merely got accustomed to each other’s presence and found a bit of harmony throughout the years. 

He was extremely thankful that they decided to let him stick around, albeit in the living room, but it was the thought that counted. It was heartwarming, in a way, because they didn’t have to do this. 

Alex bit his lip, deep in thought. The wooden floor suddenly felt cooler, and the hairs on his arms stood up after a sudden wave of emotion swept over him. Alex looked up and chewed on his lip before nodding his head, accepting his fate, “I’ll clear my room out by the end of the day.”

In a matter of two days, everything had changed. George and Max already found a roommate to occupy his spot and had the entire process accelerated. Alex hadn’t seen their new roommate just yet, but had seen an awful amount of his possessions. The apartment was littered with light brown boxes, with movers darting in and out of the room constantly. It was partially annoying, because he lost his privacy by agreeing to live on the couch, but he would take that over sleeping on the streets. 

They were holed up in a small three bedroom apartment in the outskirts of Paris. There wasn’t much room to play with, so Alex was forced to throw out a good chunk of his belongings. For him, spring cleaning came early. For a few valuable items that he couldn’t bear to leave in the living room because it would cram up the space more than it already was, he had to beg George and Max to store things in their cupboards. He bought himself a small rack and left his clothes there, close to the washing machine in the room with all the cleaning supplies. 

Alex heard rumblings about their new roommate from George and Max during dinner. He knew he was twenty four years old, meaning he was the same age as Alex, and he was so desperate for a place to stay that he agreed to cover last month’s rent too. Alex was a bit perplexed at that, but was thankful that his lack of help wouldn’t affect his friends as much anymore. 

It was Sunday afternoon when he had his first encounter with the newcomer. They were having lunch in what was now Alex’s room when they heard the door unlock. George leapt out of his seat and walked towards him, shaking his hand and requesting to help him carry his things back up.

(It was crazy how much stuff this guy owned, because there was no way that shoe box of a room could withstand it all).

Max followed shortly, patting him on the back and showing him where they typically kept their shoes and keys. 

Alex slowly stood up, placing his napkin on the table before taking a few steps forward. He didn’t want to get too close and make him feel suffocated, so he waited until they all left the entrance area. What Alex saw was not what he was expecting, if he was being honest.

He was met with a slightly shorter guy, with lavish brown hair and frosted blonde tips. His eyes sparkled in the darkness, both blue orbs calling for him to come closer. His facial hair was thin and light, and he didn’t have a mustache either. He stared at Alex for a second before nodding his head in greeting, sticking his hand out, “I’m Pierre.”

Of course you were. 

Alex hesitated, quickly wiping his right hand on his shirt before extending it and returning the gesture, “I’m Alex. Welcome to our humble abode.”

The whole ordeal was a bit awkward at first, because Alex wasn’t sure what Max had told him about his current situation. He knew that Max picked him out since they knew each other somehow, but he wasn’t aware of how close they were. Did he see Alex as the poor soul that had no money to pay for his own room? Did he know that he was staying in Alex’s room? Did he know that Alex was currently sleeping on the living room couch? Maybe these were questions that Alex should have asked before Pierre showed up. 

Pierre brought wine as a homecoming gift, and popped the bottle during dinner as a symbol of the new journey that was upon them. Alex respectfully declined, shaking his head when Pierre came close to taking his cup. He sure knew what he was doing, this Pierre guy.

Throughout dinner, he gradually learned more about him. He actually met Max years ago when they were competing against one another in a karting competition in Italy.

(Alex didn’t know that Max went karting, and George was pleasantly surprised at how well-kept that secret was).

They stumbled into each other two months ago when Pierre went to get his car fixed in Max’s shop. It was only last month that Max found out about Pierre looking for a place to stay. 

“I was tired of staying in Normandy. I needed some sort of escape. I needed a new journey, so I came to Paris. It’s very different here. You never notice how small you are until you live in a big city, and I loved it. I applied for a few jobs, but I was so impatient to leave that I just packed my stuff and left. On my way here, my car broke down and that was when I found Max, interestingly enough. He hasn’t changed one bit. He just lost his chubby cheeks.”

Pierre was a visual designer, highly specialized in designing apps and games. His lack of funding stopped him from pursuing karting at a young age, so he put most of his time into playing games. It was only in high school when he noticed how much he enjoyed designing games, and decided to test the waters to see if he could develop a career out of it. 

George was studying to become a lawyer since it was something he loved ever since his parents forced him into one debate tournament. But it was expensive, and despite getting financial help from his parents, he still had to juggle a job to keep things afloat. He worked as a bartender on most days, only staying off of work on Mondays since he spent a good chunk of his time in a courtroom then, trying to learn the grips.

Max was in love with cars. He could state the design, builds and multiple useless information after seeing one. He loved fixing things, and apparently got the knack of it from his karting days. He loved wrecking the karts and having to build it all over again more than he liked driving it. He worked as a mechanic at one of the larger garages in the city, but was hoping that by the end of his time as an engineering student, he could land himself a better paid job at one of the more prestigious companies. 

“What about you, Alex?” Pierre had no bad intentions with his question, and he knew that, but the question was like a stab in his chest. George and Max occupied themselves with something, _anything_ , to avoid the situation that was about to unfold. But Alex was stumped. He didn’t know what to say.

“Honestly? I’m not too sure,” Alex shrugged, trying to change the topic as soon as possible, but Pierre’s eyes held him in a choke hold, and he felt the guilt leak its way back into his system, “I’m a bit all over the place right now. I’m just trying to make ends meet.”

It was an awful answer. It was incredibly broad. Pierre didn’t say much though, he simply nodded his head at his response and proceeded to talk about football. The moment went as soon as it came.

**& &&&&&&&**

It was a wretched night and Alex found himself extremely drunk, barely able to keep his balance as he stumbled around the city. It was pissing rain, and he was struggling to see what was going on in front of him. His mind was already hazy from all the alcohol in his system, but the weather conditions didn’t help him out one bit. He stuck his hands further in his coat pocket, trying to find some warmth in the midst of the strong cold breeze. 

It was late, a little too late, to be wandering around Paris. He finished his work and somehow found himself in a bar, wanting nothing more than to forget about what happened earlier that night. He felt disgusting. He felt worthless. He hated himself, but he needed the money. He had to do it to repay everyone back. He just wished he could do that some other way. 

One drink turned into two into six into ten. He lost track of how much he drank, but it was enough to get thrown out of the bar into the cold unknown. He was deep into his thoughts that he struggled to notice the group of men walking towards him, and slammed into one without much care. He quickly brushed it off and apologized, but the men were not happy about it.

Alex felt the collar of his shirt being tugged on, and the next thing he knew, he was held against the wall with extreme force being exerted on the back of his head. Everything in front of him was blurry, but he could see an outline of four men circling around him. The one grabbing him was large and nearly the same height as Alex, which indicated how tall he was. He was spitting insults at his face, and Alex’s lack of response further triggered his aggression. He grabbed Alex’s cheeks with one hand and slammed the side of his face against the cold stonewall. Alex felt like he was there, but he really wasn’t there. He could feel the impact on his body but his mind was extremely intoxicated to notice exactly what was going on.

Until he was pushed on the ground and kicked around like a rag doll. It felt like a pound of bricks were being thrown at his chest, and he instinctively went into a fetal position to protect what was left of himself, but it made no difference. Blood was seeping out of his mouth and nose, and he was struggling to breathe. He was simply sitting there, waiting for it all to pass over like everything else in his life. But it felt like that moment would never come, because they continued kicking and punching him for what felt like forever. 

Alex was hardly breathing when he opened his eyes again, this time met with blue eyes, laced with concern and fear. They were gently slapping his cheeks, trying to get some sort of reaction out of him, but he was tired. He was so tired. Breathing was extremely hard, let alone moving your fingers or toes. 

He felt someone pull him up into a seating position, and he flinched at the extreme pain in his back. Every cough that left his mouth was wet, and if he had to pander a guess, he was sure he was leaving a trail of blood every time he moved or opened his mouth to breathe. 

“Alex, please.” It was a familiar voice, but it was faint. It sounded like someone was calling him from three rooms away. He could barely hear it. “Putain… what happened? Don’t close your eyes.”

It was a useless request. His heavy lidded eyes shut, and he fell into a slumber. 

* * *

He woke up in a moving vehicle. A very hostile vehicle, might he add. His body was swaying from side to side from how fast they were going, and he wheezed in pain when he tried to readjust himself. 

So that wasn’t a fever dream. He actually got beaten up. Wonderful. 

His head was resting on someone’s lap, and his hair was being stroked oh so slowly. It physically hurt him to open his eyes, but curiosity wouldn’t let him stay put. He fought against every fiber in his body and opened his eyelids.

He was met with an extremely bright light that took a few blinks for his eyes to get adjusted to. When it didn’t hurt to look around, he squinted his eyes and got a good look at his surroundings. He was, in fact, in the backseat of a cramped car. He was sleeping on Pierre’s lap, and it was Pierre’s fingers that ran through his hair in the middle of the night. 

_Pierre?_

His eyes were staring in the distance, and Alex had so many questions roaming around his mind but he was too tired to ask. He was too tired to do anything. 

He wanted to sleep.

He couldn’t, though. The pain in his chest was too much to bear, and he whimpered when the car came to an abrupt stop. That caught Pierre’s attention, and the Frenchman’s eyes darted to meet his. He’d never seen him with such a painful expression on his face. Now that he thought of it, he had never seen him without a smile. 

Pierre didn’t say anything. He scanned Alex’s face, scrutinizing every wrinkle and inch of skin, before opening the door and helping him out.

Walking up the stairs was harder than he expected it to be. The alcohol in his body was slowly dissipating, and the pain was reaching incredibly high levels. He was in so much pain that he failed to notice that they weren’t home. The walls, the hallways, the doors and the rooms were all unfamiliar to him. Where were they?

Pierre tightened his hold on Alex’s waist as he huffed and puffed, trying his best to pull his keys out of his pocket while still maintaining his balance. The doors opened to a room with a blue tint to it. The deeper they went into the room, the faster Alex noticed that they were surrounded by computer screens. There was a couch in the corner of the room and a small kitchen, with two stools next to the ceramic countertop. The center of the room was occupied by screens of various shapes and sizes. It looked like an IT room.

“This is where we’re… headquartered, I guess. When you’re such a small team, you can’t afford luxurious office spaces, so we just have this tiny office in this apartment complex. I think it’s pretty cozy for a team of five.”

It was. It didn’t look too much like an office, which gave it a bit more of a homey feel. It looked like a space where a group of friends hung around and did productive things together. In their case, work on video games and apps for other companies.

Pierre led Alex to the small couch and slowly pulled Alex’s arm away from his shoulders, holding him by his underarms and gently placing him on the worn out looking couch. Alex clenched his jaw when his back touched the cushions, still feeling the effects of the beating. He wasn’t sure which type of beating hurt more today; the one he inflicted on himself or the one he got from those guys. Pierre excused himself, disappearing to look for medical supplies. 

Alex took it upon himself to scan the unfamiliar territory a bit more. His eyes caught the slideshow playing on one of the larger screens, displaying pictures of the group of friends in different settings. His personal favorite was a picture of Pierre with his head sticking out of the roof of a car, hair whooshing all over the place. The gap between his teeth was prominent in that picture, and he was the embodiment of carefree. It looked like he was having the time of his life.

Pierre returned with a bottle of water, towels, clothes and a first aid kit. He grabbed Alex’s hand first, gently unwrapping his clenched fist and dropping a few tablets in his palms. He stared at him encouragingly, waiting for him to swallow them before opening the water bottle. Alex coughed harshly, a few drops of blood finding itself on his palm. He felt his hands shake uncontrollably, but Pierre quickly wiped it clean. 

“It’s okay... you’ll be okay,” Pierre hushed, wiping the wet towel against his jaw and dabbing on it. He was being delicate and soft. For once, Alex wasn’t against being treated like he was fragile. He was willing to sit back and opt for this instead of the aggression and harshness he received earlier. “Sit back and let me help you.”

Alex complied, and sat in silence as Pierre did his magic. He wiped every blood stain and bandaged every cut. He instructed Alex to remove his blood-stained shirt, helping him raise his arms and keeping them up while he undressed him into a plain white tee that was two sizes too small. _It was definitely his shirt._

While he wrapped his hand in a gauze bandage, Alex’s thoughts drifted back to the moment it all happened. His memory was still fuzzy, and he had no recollection of how and when Pierre appeared. He was too busy taking the beating and accepting his fate. Amidst everything that happened, he forgot the real reason why he was in the area to begin with or why he nearly drank himself to death that night. 

The clock on the wall indicated that it was nearly three in the morning, so he must’ve been out for longer than he expected. He located his wallet and phone on the kitchen counter, so they didn’t even take his belongings. They were just looking to pick a fight, and a broken, lanky man was the perfect pawn.

“How’d you find me?” Alex asked, his hoarse voice barely getting his question out smoothly. Pierre shot him a soft smile before tying the gauze and tapping his arm. He titled his head to the side, analyzing Alex’s face one last time before picking the towel up and dabbing the corner of his lips. 

“I was leaving the restaurant on the opposite side of the road. I had to move to your side anyway because that’s where my Uber was, and that’s when I got a closer look at who was getting beaten up. Luckily for you, I managed to catch a glimpse of your face.” The rain picked up its pace again, loud droplets hitting the windows on either side of them. He could barely hear himself breathe from how loud it was. “What happened?”

“I don’t know,” Alex choked out, emotions bubbling up inside of him. He knew exactly what happened. He was brimming with self hatred to the extent that he let people beat him up. It was upsetting because he was willing to let them beat him to death without putting up much of a fight. It was upsetting because he was so ready to give up on everything. It was so upsetting that his life had reached this point, and he didn’t feel the need to do anything about it. “I had a few drinks, that’s all.”

“Do you have a few drinks often?” There was no judgement to that question. His tone wasn’t condescending, like he expected it to be. There was an aura of concern attached to it, and it was confusing that he felt the need to protect and care about him when they were complete strangers. They only knew each other for two weeks.

Scratch that, they shared a living space, but that was all. Alex was never around when they all spent time together, and for someone who lived in the center of their apartment, it was obvious that he avoided them at all costs. It felt demoralizing to be around people who had a good idea of what their path would be like, when he knew nothing and never did.

His life was a big question mark. 

“No,” Alex lied. He drank often, but never as much as he did today. He spent most of his days intoxicated because it was the only way he could get through the day without beating himself up. Pierre watched him like a hawk, clearly unconvinced by his answer, but he wasn’t willing to push him more than he already did. He figured he had a rough day and wasn’t intending to add to his misery any more. He didn’t want to stay quiet, though. Maybe the problem was that people were always quiet around him, and it led him to where he was right now. “Thank you for this… you didn’t have to.”

“I did. I would do it time and time again if history repeated itself, too.”

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> as always, please drop some feedback or just let me know your initial thoughts, feelings, emotions and whatnot. maybe your favorite moments? it's so intriguing to me and gives me a better idea of what i should incorporate next.
> 
> tumblr: https://edenhazrd.tumblr.com/


	2. invisible string

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> might've forgotten that yesterday was sunday... this is off to a great start (rip). better late than never, eh?
> 
> note: this is fiction. it is in no way, shape or form an accurate depiction of real life events. take everything you read with a pinch of salt. happy reading!

Alex woke up with a sore neck, groaning in pain when he tried lifting his head from the pillow. He was sprawled out on the couch, which wasn’t built for a man of his height to sleep on, but not many couches were. Him being tall proved to be an inconvenience once again, and he puffed his cheeks at that.

He wiped his face, and propped himself on his elbows to evaluate the scene unfolding before his eyes.

He caught Pierre humming to a tune that was playing in the background while shuffling his hips from side to side. He was dressed in his boxers and a plain black tee, cooking what smelt like pancakes. The sun was barely out, but the few rays of light that entered the room landed right above his head, creating this halo-like image. It was symbolic, given what happened last night.

Alex checked the digital clock to the left of him and noticed that it was 7:30 am. He only managed to sleep for three hours, but he felt like it was the best sleep he had in awhile. 

He tried getting up without making too much noise, biting his lip in pain as he stood up and walked over to the kitchen table. He leaned over, placing his arms on the ceramic table as he watched Pierre prepare breakfast. The aroma of coffee started to fill the air, and Alex struggled to remember the last time he was awake at this hour, or the last time he treated himself to a cup of coffee. He was on auto-pilot mode for too much of his time. 

Pierre gasped in shock when he turned around, nearly dropping the plate in his hand when he noticed Alex standing behind him. A few whistles of French curse words left his mouth, and brought Alex to a quiet giggle which shook his core and caused him to grimace in pain. 

“You’re awake,” Pierre stated the obvious, titling his body to check the clock on the other side of the room before raising his eyebrows, impressed with what he had seen. “I expected you to be out for the next three hours, at least.”

“Is this your way of saying that you made those pancakes for yourself and aren’t willing to share a piece or two?” Alex teased, a slight glimmer of his old self making its way to the surface. It was a side of him that Pierre hadn’t seen yet. Pierre was only familiar with the timid, quiet Alex who preferred to sit away from everyone else and be in his own space. In a way, Alex was a bit upset that he would never get the chance to see who he was before he became the person he is today. He sometimes missed that version of himself. The one with dreams, hopes, aspirations and a desire to live. 

“Damn, my master plan has been exposed,” Pierre’s dimple stuck out when he scrunched his nose and giggled. It was an adorable sight. It was a sight that pulled at his heart strings. “I left you some spare clothes in the bathroom. I’m not sure they’ll fit you, since my largest shirt seems to be too small on you,” He laughed, slightly tugging Alex’s sleeve. “Try taking a shower. It might help you feel a bit better.”

“Good idea,” Alex nodded in agreement, pushing himself away. Before he disappeared into the hallway, he turned back to utter one thing, “Pro-tip for next time: don’t buy shirts from the kids section. I know you’re trying to show off how fit you are, but I’m sure you could find something that fits you better in the men's section.”

The last thing he heard was a snicker and a curse before he shut the bathroom door.

* * *

Alex knew that walking home in clothes that were clearly not his, at noon, would never end well… and he was right. He prayed that they would both be anywhere but at home, but he knew those antisocial lazy pricks would be there exactly when he didn’t want them to. He had a tiny glimmer of hope that he could sneak in and get dressed in the bathroom as soon as possible without catching either one of them. 

Hope was definitely not real.

Alex slowly unlocked the doors, trying his best to walk in as quietly as he possibly could. He was met with two pairs of eyes, and two completely different reactions. Alex sighed, standing up straight and walking in anyway. There was no way he could get away with this now.

He heard Max howl from the kitchen table, and George’s eyes were nearly bulging out of its sockets. They were surrounded by papers, clearly studying for their exams that were merely two weeks away. George’s hair was sticking out in multiple different directions as a result of the numerous times he ran his fingers through it. Max was a lot calmer, with multiple doodles around his notes. But both of their attentions were diverted away from that, and were scrutinizing Alex’s choice of clothes. 

He couldn’t walk home in a blood-stained shirt or a dirty pair of jeans, so he had to muster the courage to take the train back home in clothes that were clearly not his in what appeared to be seven sizes too small. He could barely move his arm up without his midriff being exposed to the world. The shirt was _that_ small. 

Alex dropped his bag on the floor, making a mental note to take it to the washer and get rid of the stains as soon as he could. He couldn’t escape the situation because he had nowhere to go. He couldn’t make a beeline for his room because… well, he didn’t have one. So he took a seat at the table with his two roommates and accepted that he was going to get mocked for a few minutes. 

Max clasped his hand on Alex’s shoulder with a large grin on his face, “‘Atta boy!” Alex tried his best not to cringe at both his statement and the rush of pain that spread through his body at the sudden contact. “You’re putting yourself back out there, huh? The least you could’ve done is taken some spare clothes with you. Did you lose yours while you were there? Was it that frantic?”

“ _God_ , Max,” Alex groaned, hiding his face in between his hands. His face was hot from how embarrassed he was. They had absolutely no idea what really went on. “Don’t you have better things to do?”

“No. No, I don’t,” Max shook his head relentlessly, pushing his laptop aside and pulling Alex’s hand down. He wanted to bask in the glory of catching him red handed. “Come on now, spare the details. Who’s the lucky person?”

“Have you been disappearing every night for booty calls?” George piped up, a smile forming on his face. They really thought they uncovered the mystery that was Alex Albon. 

Alex chuckled, shaking his head in disbelief, “First of all, there is no person. Second of all, no booty call. Do you really think I’d walk in like this if it was? I’d be a lot more slick.”

“So that wasn’t you trying to be slick?” Max barked a laugh out, “you’re digging a hole for yourself here, Albon. You might as well tell us the truth.”

“I got beaten up last night. That’s why I wasn’t home, and that’s why I’m here so late. I was… you could say, recovering from the impact.” He should’ve known they wouldn’t take him seriously, but the last thing he expected was for them both to be thrown in fits of laughter. Max, in particular, was enjoying this way too much. His wheezes irked Alex, because he suddenly knew where the conversation was going. 

“I knew you were something else, Alex, but I didn’t think you liked it that aggressively. Jesus Christ, you must be good fun in bed,” Max breathlessly said, clutching his chest with tears brimming in his eyes. 

“He even has a busted lip!” George exclaimed, touching the corner of his lip. Alex leaned away from his touch not only because it hurt, but because he had enough of the mockery from them both. 

“Yeah yeah okay, I’m off. I’m not going to be the butt of your joke,” Alex stood up, glaring at both of his roommates who were still hysterically laughing at their brilliant, so-called, ‘discovery’. Alex picked up his bag and walked to the washroom, aggressively trying to wipe the blood stains from his shirt. He just had to get beaten up on the day he decided to wear a white shirt, huh?

Alex was thankful that Pierre decided to stay at the office, saying something about being behind on the development of an application and wanting to get back on track. He wasn’t sure what type of reception they would have received if they both came in at the same time. He didn’t think he could handle it, either, because this was definitely going to be held against him for quite some time.

And his theory was proven right when he walked back into his ‘room’, also known as the living room, and heard Max debate what nickname would suit Alex best, with most of them including the word ‘freaky’. 

He really wished he had his own room right now. More than ever. 

**& &&&&&&&&&&&**

It was a Friday night, and Max and George were nowhere to be seen. It was a common occurrence in December. Alex remembered the days he would be holed up in a room during the majority of this month, cramming as much information into his head as possible. The memory of his room being littered with flashcards would never evade him, because he would always find one more card laying underneath something while he was cleaning things up months after the exam period passed. 

Max decided to spend the afternoon at the library, trying to find additional resources to help him complete his project. He later texted Alex to let him know he wouldn’t be back until late because he was going to stick around to study too, which Alex didn’t mind too much. It felt nice having the apartment to himself. 

George was at work, taking on extra shifts so he could have a bit more money during the Christmas period. No one was keen on working on Fridays because the bars would fill up with people - _irresponsible people -_ and it was an extreme hassle to keep things in order. George always went on about how much he hated working on Fridays, and how he would leave the second his shift was over to get out of that hellhole. However, he elected to stay this time around because he really needed the additional moolah. 

That left Alex with Pierre, who was busy preparing some pasta in the kitchen. If he was being honest, he had no clue that the Frenchman was home, not until he heard his door open and he waltzed into the kitchen, complaining about how hungry he was. Alex was perched on the kitchen stool, scanning the news for something specific. It was a pleasant surprise knowing someone was home, because now he wouldn’t have to sleep with one eye open. 

What happened the other night never came back up in conversation. It seemed like a distant memory now, even though it only happened two weeks ago. Pierre didn’t bring it up, or ask about it, and Alex completely swept the situation under the rug, mostly out of embarrassment that it happened and it was his new roommate who helped him out. 

A roommate who knew nothing about him prior to that night, but probably came to a few conclusions after watching him lay still as he got barrelled by a group of men. 

Pierre placed a plate in front of Alex, and the sound of the plate hitting the table snapped Alex out of his thoughts.

 _Oh…_ he wasn’t expecting him to make enough food for the two of them, but he wasn’t complaining. He watched silently as the brunette put a good chunk of food on both their plates and slotted himself on the stool right next to him. 

They sat together in silence, the only noise being the music blasting from the streets and the sound of their forks touching the plates. It was pleasant and nice. It was different from the usual banter that happened on the dinner table, and the constant bickering between George and Max. But the silence didn’t last for long. He knew Pierre was about to say something when he left his fork on his plate, and looked at him. 

“How good are you with computers?”

The question caught him off guard. He wondered whether Pierre asked that because he was using his laptop a few minutes ago or because of something else he heard.

Alex remained still, turning his fork in a circle before putting it in his mouth. He felt the air get heavy too quickly, so he swallowed and replied, “I’m alright. Why do you ask?”

Pierre nodded, “George told me that you studied computer science. He said that you specialized in cyber security too, which… was unexpected news to me. I always thought you did something in the arts field.”

“Is it because of my camera?” Alex chuckled, pointing to the spot behind him. His camera was indeed propped on the living room table, which technically served as his makeshift desk, even though he tried to avoid leaving stuff around the area. He still wanted it to look like a living room, after all. “Photography is a hobby... nothing more to it, really. I did a bit of video filming too, but only when people were desperate for some help. Got hired for a few events in Paris, which is why I moved here in the first place. I loved something about the city. It felt like you always had another shot to snap, and that was intriguing to me. But to answer your question, yes. I got my bachelors in computer science. Took a few hacking classes in high school, so cyber security only seemed fitting.”

“Why’d you stop?”

“Photography?”

“Both.” Alex could feel his insides melt, and had to stabilize himself to make sure he didn’t let the question get the better of him. He clenched his jaw and looked away, suddenly more entertained with the painting that was in their corridor. He tried to reason with himself. There was no point getting mad at Pierre. He knew nothing, and it wasn’t like George or Max knew either, so there was no way that they mentioned it to him when he wasn’t around. They both learned to stop asking questions pretty quickly, but it seemed like Pierre was lagging behind in that department. His curiosity was like a thirst that would never be quenched, no matter how much he drank. 

Alex hated it. 

When Alex turned back around to look at his plate, he noticed that Pierre was no longer seated next to him, but was standing on the opposite side of the kitchen table. He was analyzing him like he was a silly riddle that everyone should know the answer to, but didn’t because the answer was so stupid that it flew over their heads. His eyes were burning holes in his chest, and he’d never felt such an intense stare challenge him like that. 

Pierre chewed on his lip and dragged out a long sigh before shaking his head and looking at his hands, which were placed on the table. His shoulders looked heavy, like he was carrying the weight of the world on it, and he looked tired. It was bizarre that it took Alex this long to notice how exhausted he looked, at least physically. He looked shattered and sleep deprived. 

Had he been so in his head that he was starting to not pay attention to those around him?

“We’re developing this website, and we’re nearing the end of the project, but last night a spanner was thrown in the works when we found out it wasn’t secured properly. We’re on a budget, and a time constraint, so looking for someone to do it for us on such short notice was a harder task than we expected. Truth be told, I wasn’t expecting to find a hail Mary when I mentioned this whole situation to George, but when he told me that you were qualified - and _extremely qualified_ -, I thought it didn’t hurt to ask,” Pierre’s fingers were dwindling, nerves racking his body from having to engage in this conversation. “I don’t know if you’re working on any projects right now, so I was wondering if you’d give it a look. A consultation, maybe? A referral? Something to give us a sense of direction.”

“What’s in it for me?” Alex wasn’t prepared to throw himself back into the scene, at least not this early, but he knew it was an opportunity. He rarely got opportunities, especially after what happened, so the sirens in his head were blaring for him to consider this one, and maybe take it on. 

“I’ll cover the rent and you can have your room back. I don’t mind staying in the living room. It’s not like I spend too much time sleeping nowadays, anyway. If we pass the test, I’ll give you a spot on the team. We need someone to oversee things. We don’t really have anyone who’s technically skilled like you. I’ll pay you, Alex. We just… _I_ really need your help.”

It was a plea - an unconventional one - but the desperation was so strong that he could smell it from miles away. His mind kept replaying the fact that he believed Alex was exceptionally qualified for the job, even though he had no idea what his qualifications looked like. He was practically living off of George’s words. _George_. Someone who only preached gospel about people. It was an extremely risky but bold move on Pierre’s part, and all he wanted to do was pat him on the back for even considering it.

Alex moved to the sink and washed the dishes, noticing Pierre’s presence. He was rooted in his spot. He was waiting for a response, and Alex was tempted to drag this out as much as possible to see how long he was willing to wait.

But he didn’t do that. Alex wiped his hands dry and threw the cloth on the rack, turning around to face Pierre. 

“You can keep the room.”

**& &&&&&&&&&&&**

The first few days weren’t bad, but it was odd to be back in a working environment again. He expected them to be laid back given how cozy their office was, but they were all extremely immersed in their tasks, which signified how serious they were about him and his potential contributions. 

Turns out Pierre was right. They had nearly no proper measures in place to stop them from getting hacked. It was a pathetic attempt that they put up, and any kid with access to YouTube and a bit of time on their hands could easily dismantle the website from top to bottom. It needed a lot of work, but it wasn’t too hard. At least not for Alex. 

They were developing a VoIP server for gaming, which operated like Discord, except it was targeted to game developers. It was a platform for beta testing, primarily, and it offered young inexperienced kids the opportunity to put their skills to display for the bigger companies. The likes of Nintendo were scouting for their future employees, and this platform was the Linkedin version of it. They would be presented with a game idea, and would be tasked to develop a rough premise and coding for the game. To ensure authenticity, they would add features like screen sharing, video sharing and voice calls. It also allowed companies to host workshops and training sessions for their interns, or even their current employees. 

The website was meant to uncover so many bases, but with such minimum security, Alex had high doubts that any large company would come forth and put all their valuable information and expertise on a platform that could easily be hacked into. 

That was where he came in. 

He spent the first two days helping and readjusting slight coding errors that might potentially cause a backlog on the website before he started the real gritty work. 

He loved it. He forgot how much he enjoyed reading between the lines and looking for that one tiny blip in the system.

He dropped his head on his arms, feeling sleep envelop him as the night went on. Most of the guys left, having families or spouses to get back to. It was just him and Pierre there, both of them with eyes only for their screens. It was a necessary distraction, he believed, from his mind and his demons. Coding was well and truly an art; only those with an eye for detail could notice the smallest mishap, which was why Alex had to stop himself from working. The last thing he wanted to do was rush himself to get the work done as soon as possible, leaving tiny mistakes in his wake because he was eager. Being precise was the key here, and he learned that skill the hard way. 

He lifted his head back up, placing his chin against his arm as he watched the 24 year old brunette in front of him. Pierre held the pen between his two fingers, occasionally sketching something on the screen before repeatedly tapping its tip and pulling his lip in between his teeth. Alex’s eyes were drawn to his hands and the way his fingers would readjust his wristbands and watch. “Tired?” Pierre asked, his voice husky from how quiet he had been.

“Mhm,” Alex hummed, tilting his head to the side before taking a large intake of breath. “I was just thinking.”

“About what?” Pierre placed his pen on the table, readjusting himself so his entire attention was directed on Alex. It was fascinating how his blue eyes shone in the light, but picked up a much darker color now. It almost looked black.

“The first time I came here. Not for the job, obviously, but when I looked like a wet mole rat,” Pierre’s giggle brought a smile to Alex’s face. “I was in shock at the time. I couldn’t touch my ribs without feeling like I was about to projectile vomit all over the place, and _god_ , imagine if I did that. All the expensive tech here… I wouldn’t live with myself. But anyway, I wasn’t expecting your office to look like this. I didn’t have any expectations to be honest, but this was a pleasant surprise. It feels like a home here. You don’t often see that.”

“That’s what drew me to them. It was a risky move. Leaving home and choosing to work for an independent company, composed of just four guys… my parents weren’t too happy with me.” Pierre laughed, but there seemed to be a tinge of sadness attached to that story. Alex chose not to push for more. It wasn’t his place, and he didn’t want to ruin the moment. He left that for some other time. “But they’re good guys. I collaborated with Daniel before. We lived in the same district, so I knew they were a serious crop. It’s been good so far, and it’s a bit hard juggling two projects at once but I’m really grateful that you decided to help us out. It alleviated a bit of the pressure from all of our backs. Personally speaking, I can fully focus on the character designs for this other game. So thanks. I feel like I haven’t said it enough.”

“You haven’t,” Alex joked, receiving a light shove in return. 

“Thank you, Alex,” Pierre furrowed his eyebrows and leaned forward, gripping Alex’s hand. He let his fingers loosen and watched Pierre brush his fingers - the fingers he was watching intently not too long ago - against his. He looked sincere, and his words sounded nothing but genuine. He felt a stab at his heart because for once in a long time, he felt like he was wanted. He felt like he belonged there. “Let’s go back to that night.”

He really didn’t want to. “Sure.”

“You were very drunk.” An observation.

“I was,” He wasn’t an alcoholic - far from it - but he had a few drinks too many too often, and it sometimes worried him to an extent. It worried him that he would start relying on it as an outlet to get rid of his frustration and anger. 

“What happened?” His hand was still firmly gripping Alex’s, his much smaller fingers providing the tiny ounce of encouragement to speak up but Alex wasn’t too fond of opening up. 

“Revisiting the past, I guess.” Alex mumbled, feeling a sudden lump appear in his throat. He felt like he was in a movie with the way his mind was going through multiple memories at a fast pace, displaying flashes of a life he used to have. Correction: a _happy_ life he used to have. 

“We had the same plans then,” Pierre’s smile faded from his face, now replaced with a morose expression. Alex could feel every ounce of emotion that came out of him, because he felt like he resonated with it all. He could see glimpses of regret and longing in his eyes. He wondered whether Pierre could see the same every time he looked at him. “It was someone from a past life - a life I don’t recognize anymore - but someone who made it both better and worse. I’m not sure why I agreed to it. I think maybe a small part of me was going through the process of feeling small and lost in a big city. I was seeking normalcy, or maybe even comfort. To cut to the chase, I didn’t get either. Naivety got the best of me. I’m glad I saw you when I left the restaurant because I’m not sure what I would’ve done to myself that night.”

Alex’s heart ached, and the temptation to hold his chest was strong. For some reason, he wanted to make sure Pierre never felt that way again. He knew that feeling all too well, and wouldn’t wish it on his worst enemy. Feeling lost in a big world was a hard thought to shake away, especially when it happened as a result of someone else’s words and actions. At that point, it was out of your control. It wasn’t your mind speaking anymore. It was reality. 

The clock ticked in the background, and the strong gust of air sent goosebumps throughout his body. He struggled to swallow the lump down his throat, now more evident than ever. He felt like he was being choked or restrained from speaking.

He hesitated at first, but the encouraging squeeze of his fingers propelled him to speak, “I was fired from my last job. It was a tough pill to swallow because it was something I was working on for five years. I was scouted by them when I was still in high school, and I was given a list of things that I needed to accomplish to be considered for the job. They weren’t easy things. Some more immoral and illegal than others, but I obliged anyway. In my senior year of university, they approached me and gave me a small role in their organization. I was only twenty one at the time, and no one that young was given an opportunity. People went through long arduous years of unpaid internships just to prove that they were worthy enough to be _considered_ , but it wasn’t like that with me. I was so excited by the idea that I never sat back to reflect on why they jumped ship with me. Why were they willing to take the risk? Why were they willing to break the boundaries they’ve set for decades now, just for some lanky Thai kid who came from Britain? I didn’t care. I was over the moon. I thought my credentials and qualifications must’ve been outstanding, or something along those lines. You see, I was only twenty one. I was naive. I was played. I got involved, maybe a little too much, with the people there. I… got close to someone, and my judgement was clouded by them. I was influenced to do things I never would’ve done, but I was enamored by them. I wanted to be everything they hoped for in a person. I effectively shot myself in the foot, and got myself in trouble. I jeopardized an important operation because I was blinded by desire, lust, whatever it was… and after three years, I was let go. They pulled all the strings correctly, and got me out of there for their benefit. Everything I did for them… it wasn’t reciprocated, but I really wanted it to be. Everyone knew about what happened. No serious organization was willing to add me to their team because they knew about my history. It was such a gargantuan mistake, and it cost me my life. A single person ruined my future.” Alex gulped, trying his best to focus on his breathing and where he was. “I went in for an interview that day, and was sent out before I could even sit down on the chair.”

Pierre got off his desk chair and made the short stride to Alex’s desk, sitting down on it and pulling Alex’s head to his chest. He held him, and Alex felt fragile again. He hated feeling fragile. He hated feeling like he was made of glass that was about to shatter at the slightest bit of contact, but he was too tired to fight back. At least not today. His arms wrapped around the brunette’s waist, engulfing him in a tight embrace just to feel something - _anything -_ besides pain. Anything to lessen the pain he felt in his heart and his bones and his fingers and his toes. 

Pierre’s fingers dug into Alex’s hair, massaging his scalp as he tried to calm the trembling man in his arms. His soft black hair felt like silk in his hands, slipping in between his fingers effortlessly. Alex was quite tall, so even when he was seated, his head was just underneath Pierre’s chin. He knew what it felt like to be rejected, but never at the same magnitude as Alex. He couldn’t imagine what ran through his head every time he went somewhere and got sent out for a small mistake he made in the past. He couldn’t imagine how large the mistake must have been for corporations to send out a twenty four year old before hearing what he had to say. He was shocked that no one was willing to take the gamble on someone who achieved the impossible before graduating university. 

Pierre kissed the Thai’s head, rubbing circles around his back in an attempt to soothe him. He was inconsolable, and his mind ran through the multiple warnings that Max gave him. 

_Tread on light water with Alex._

It took him nearly twenty minutes to relax, and Pierre brought his rocking to a halt. Alex’s brown eyes looked nothing like the ones he was staring at earlier in the day. All hope and happiness was stripped away from it, and he could only see a shred of the man he was starting to get used to. He was met with the same broken, lifeless soul that he found on the streets not long ago. He didn’t like this version of Alex. He hated how often this version made an appearance. 

Pierre gently cradled Alex’s face in between his hands, rubbing his thumbs against his eyebrows. He had so much to say, but he knew it wasn’t the right time to do it. Alex wouldn’t believe a word he uttered, so he made it his mission to prove it to him. 

He was going to show Alex Albon why he was once labeled a prodigy a few years ago, and he was going to get his name back out there. He was going to show the world exactly what they were missing out on. He was going to make them regret their decisions.

He was going to make them come back begging.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> please don't hesitate to drop your thoughts (and any feedback)!
> 
> tumblr: https://edenhazrd.tumblr.com/


	3. show me the places where the others gave you scars

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> note: this is fiction. it is in no way, shape or form an accurate depiction of real life events. take everything you read with a pinch of salt. happy reading!

The office was extremely hectic today, and everyone was running around completely berserk. Except Alex. He wasn’t sure why they were on edge. It wasn’t _that_ big of a deal.

They officially sold one of their pitches to a large company, and it was one that Alex briefly heard about during his short time with the group. Alex could perfectly recall the moment it happened, too. 

Daniel and Gabriel were standing in the kitchen area, both intently listening to what was being said. They had the phone on speaker, and sporadically moved closer to it to hear what was being said. Alex was sitting on the stool, trying to eat his chips as quietly as he possibly could so they wouldn’t lean any closer to the phone. Alex’s minimal understanding of French helped him understand the premise of what was being said, but context clues only took you so far. 

It made him wonder how he managed to live in Paris for nearly six years and still have a very basic understanding of the language. He particularly blamed himself for not surrounding himself with fluent French speakers, but at the same time, he knew enough to let him live comfortably. He just couldn’t converse with people who spoke too quickly, or used too much regional slang. 

Alex walked into the bathroom and adjusted his necktie, watching himself in the mirror as he fixed his hair. They were invited to meet with members of the company, who apparently were quite huge, and it was their one shot at making a lasting impression. All of them prepared speeches for the hypothetical situations that might arise, and even devised escape plans in case things went awry. It was a pure moment to witness. He wasn't here for long, but he technically watched them grow as a team. 

He wasn’t sure why he was tagging along to begin with. There was nothing he could bring to the table here, both in terms of his expertise or his language skills, but Pierre wouldn’t let him miss out. “You’re part of the team, so you’ll be there every step of the way. The bad, the good… whatever it is. You’ll experience it with us.”

It was hard to say no to Pierre, let alone the four other guys that stood behind him and begged him to come. So he agreed, and here he was in a cramped space with all his colleagues going insane at the prospect of messing up. 

Pierre stuck his head in the bathroom, knocking on the door before inviting himself inside. The door was already wide open, but it seemed like he wanted to declare his presence. He walked in and peered over Alex’s shoulder, standing on his toes to see himself in the mirror. Alex chuckled at that and stepped aside, now leaning on the door frame so Pierre could get his job done comfortably. “Nervous?” Alex asked, already knowing what response he was going to receive. 

“No,” Pierre confidently said, and Alex just knew it was a lie. He was bricking himself, and anyone with a pair of functioning eyes could see it. Pierre decided to be a little riskier with his suit choice, and opted for a burgundy colored suit rather than the traditional black color that the rest of the group had on. He had a bow tie on, which surprised Alex, but he stayed quiet. It was different. It was a pleasant surprise. 

“Bullshit,” Alex replied, a playful tone laced to his words. “You’ve adjusted your watch fifty times in the last ten minutes. You look good. You’ll make a good impression as long as you be yourself.”

Pierre ignored the compliment. “And you’re telling me _you’re_ not nervous?”

“No,” Alex shook his head, crossing his arms against his chest. “Why would I be? I’m there for moral support and that’s it. I can enjoy my time, maybe get a couple of drinks and mingle with whoever is there.”

“Of course you’re looking forward to getting drunk.”

“You say that like I’m an alcoholic,” Alex remarked. Pierre threw him a look before stepping aside and walking out, avoiding contact with Alex’s arms. It was a bizarre comment, and he stood there for a few minutes reviewing the conversation to see what might have triggered that, but he was stumped. It felt like a low jab at him, and that threw him off guard. What an absolutely weird thing to say. 

He tried to ignore it, but spent the entire ride thinking about it. Daniel noticed his perplexed face, and asked him if everything was alright a few times before they arrived. Every single time Alex dismissed it, claiming the nerves were slowly getting to him as they approached the venue. It was far from the truth, but he thought that if he repeated it enough times, he would eventually believe it and forget about what actually happened. He wanted to enjoy his time, so he let the thought slip in the back of his mind for the time being as soon as he stepped foot outside of their car. 

When they said it was a big company, they were not exaggerating. Their office had nearly 80 floors, and Alex didn’t want to imagine how many employees occupied the space. It was luxurious too, with chandeliers littered around the lobby. Interestingly enough, their meeting rooms were as large as ballrooms. _Wedding_ ballrooms. He tried his best to stop himself from reacting to what was in front of him, but it was a sight to behold. 

There was a buffet in front of the entrance to the venue, with smaller carts offering pastas and desserts like macaroons. There was a small bar to the left as well. Had he been misinformed? Was this meant to be a meeting with over a thousand people attending? There was no way that they went all out for six people.

But they did. All restraint left Alex’s body when he found that out, and his jaw nearly dropped to the floor. So they were filthy rich if they had the finances to arrange all this for a congratulatory meeting. He finally understood why everyone was overreacting earlier. 

Rapporten was a large gaming company in France. They were looking for a competent group (or team, in our case) to help them develop a survival game that could hold lobbies of fifty players. It was essentially a battle royale, meaning there were guns involved, but in other to gain access to the weaponry, the players would have to crack a code. They had aspirations of creating the next big thing, something not too far from what Fornite achieved at their peak.

Alex couldn’t pick up on what their plan was because his limited French stopped him from understanding the jargon, but he understood that they were starting a big, long term project. The gaming era is fast-paced, and many companies churn out games and wear out their employees to stay on top of things. In fact, some companies conduct mass hirings closer to the release date so they have more hands on deck to deal with the patches and new features/maps.

Romain, another one of their team members, had an internship here in their advanced technology department. He helped their R&D teams come up with innovative ideas for the future, and apparently the CEO tracked him down because this idea that they were trying to execute essentially stemmed from him. They knew about our new gaming server that was nearly completed, and decided to see if we were interested to take this project on. 

Interestingly enough, the boys weren’t too keen on it. They were fine with starting its foundations, but they didn’t have the resources or the human capital to keep it going. They weren’t wrong. If things went south, they were only six guys at the end of the day, and developing a full game within a year was nearly impossible. The whole objective today was to ask for resources. They already devised a plan and explained it to them, which was why they were here in the first place, but they were honest in saying that keeping up with it was not something they could do. At least not right now, unless they received help from his divisions. 

They were there for three hours before they finally ironed out the details of the agreement. After the papers were signed and handshakes were thrown all over the place, they were presented with food. 

They had caviar as a starter. They were absolutely loaded with money. 

Alex spent the majority of the day conversing with Daniel, trying to understand the specificity of the operation at hand. When the waitress came by with a glass of wine, Alex felt Pierre’s eyes on him. The same guy who pretended like he wasn’t around for the last four hours watched him like a hawk now. The same guy who suddenly switched on him for no apparent reason. 

He held his gaze, trying to evoke some kind of reaction out of him, but it was to no avail. He could barely read his features. He was like a closed book. It was like a complete stranger was sitting on the other side of the round table they were in. 

Alex looked at the waitress, who was standing there awkwardly with a glass of wine in her hands, and shook his head at her, muttering a “ _Merci_ ” before turning back to Pierre. The Frenchman only stared at him, completely reaction less. After a few seconds, he turned back to Esteban, who was on the left of him, and resumed like nothing happened. 

“What’s up with him?” Daniel asked in a quiet tone, hoping not to garner any attention.

“I don’t know,” Alex responded, eyes still trained dead ahead at Pierre. He watched him readjust his bow tie. He watched him scrunch his nose at a comment thrown his way. He watched him play with his watch subconsciously. He watched him, desperately looking for something that would explain what happened earlier, but there was nothing. It seemed like everything was normal. 

(It wasn’t.)

On the way back home, Alex sent George a quick text message. His mind was racing, and his frustration was intensifying with every second that the brunette decided to avoid his presence. 

_ > I’ll be there in a bit. There should be a spare wire in the drawer to the right of the tv. Btw, do I drink a lot? _

He watched the cursor appear and disappear, anxiously waiting for a response. When he saw that his message was seen, his body physically relaxed.

_ > I can’t find it. Just give it to me when you come home. _

Bastard. Prick. Of course he would do this. 

When they arrived at the office, the actual celebrations began. Most of them threw their suits on the couch and were sprawled around the place, a beer bottle in hand. 

Alex was reluctantly watching the bottles of beer stacked on top of each other. Was he really that much of a drinker? It didn’t make sense to him. Was it suddenly against the law to have a drink or two when celebrating or having a bad night? He could feel a pair of eyes trained on him, and he just knew it was Pierre. He wasn’t sure what ticked inside of him, but he reached forward and grabbed a bottle, eyeing Pierre as he lipsed the bottle and drowned the drink in one.

He drank one more. And another one. And another one. And another one.

All whilst Pierre watched him, his eyes unreadable now. Or maybe it was the booze settling into his system. He didn’t know, but he also didn’t care. His blood was boiling in anger, and he wanted nothing more than to smash the bottle against the wall. 

He didn’t, though. He did what he always does best in moments like this: he grabbed another bottle, which was the last one on the table. The other guys were too absorbed in their conversations that they hadn’t noticed how six bottles disappeared from the table in the span of thirty minutes. Alex doubted they’d mind either; it was a day worth celebrating. 

Pierre didn’t take a drink of anything all day, so he ultimately became the designated driver. Alex was prepared to take the train home, but dismissed the thought when Pierre opened the door to the passenger’s seat for him.

The ride home was tense. He couldn’t imagine how much worse it would be if he wasn’t dazing in and out of consciousness. He held his breath, afraid to make a noise and stir the monster that was escorting him home. He contemplated asking about what happened earlier, but stopped himself. For some reason, they had a nonverbal agreement in place: you just don’t ask about things. You wait until they feel ready to speak about it. It was how it worked when Pierre found him on the street, and it was what was going to happen now.

Or so he thought.

Pierre brought the car to a halt a few streets away from their apartment. His jaw was clenched and his eyebrows were furrowed, like he was deep in thought, “I thought you were responsible.”

Alex unfastened his seat belt, turning around to face him. His knee was touching the gear handle. “I don’t understand.”

“I thought you knew better than… this,” Pierre pointed at him, a disgusted look attached to his face. “I thought you were smarter than this. You knew exactly what you were doing tonight, and you knew exactly what I told you earlier, but you still went ahead and did it.”

“Right,” Alex nodded, wiping his face with both hands before looking up at Pierre. His vision was blurred, and his head was throbbing. He felt like he was a few seconds away from puking, but he couldn’t escape. The only way he would be allowed to leave is if they closed the case right here and right now, “so I can’t enjoy a few drinks on our night out now? What is this… why are you being so territorial?”

“ _Territorial_ ,” Pierre scoffed, shaking his head. “So that’s what you took away from all this. You know yourself better than I do, and even I can see your destructive tendencies from the other side of the room. You drink. All the time. You did it today to spite me too, which makes things worse. I can’t believe you’ve never sat back and reflected on what you do to yourself. Why do you punish yourself like this? Why do you feel the need to drink all the pain away? You were bothered and confused today, and instead of approaching me like a functional human being would, you decided to drink it all away. Because that’s exactly how you deal with all your problems, isn’t it? You just drink. You drink until you can’t feel. Look at you right now. I’m not George and I’m not Max. I have no attachment to you. I’m not going to sit around and watch you do this to yourself night in and night out. You have so many people here who care for you, and would cut a limb off if it meant making you happy, and you’re so blinded by everything else that you don’t see it. You cut people off. You isolate yourself when things get tough, and you go drink until you can barely see straight. How are you not noticing what you’re doing wrong here? Alex. You need to talk to us. We care about you. It hurts us to see you hurting, but we can’t do anything because you never let us in. You resort to your own ways, and leave us in the dark. You never fully heal from it either, you just let something temporarily distract you until it comes back, and then the process repeats itself. Alex, please… let me help you.”

“Yeah, you’re right. I’m not a functional human being,” Alex muttered, before slamming the door shut and making his way to the apartment on his own. 

**& &&&&&&&&**

Alex walked into the office, hands occupied with coffee cups. He wasn’t needed today, but he figured he’d come around to have a look at their router and make some small security changes. He exchanged smiles with them all, passing their cups around before leveling himself with the router, which was placed on the edge of the room on a small side table. 

He hadn’t seen Pierre since the encounter. He didn’t come back up that night, so Alex assumed he went back to the office and spent the night here, but he didn’t come to work for the first three days either. He was worried, but he was still angry and hurt by his words from the other night. He knew that there might’ve been an element of truth to it, but he also didn’t think Pierre was free of any guilt. He was the one who decided to give him the silent treatment in order to see how he would combust. He sat still as he watched Alex drown bottle after bottle. He said nothing. Not until he felt like he could throw the alcoholic title at him.

He was not an alcoholic. He was far from it.

Alex pulled up his laptop, eyes sifting through the settings and making a few necessary changes. His mind wasn’t there, though. His mind was stuck back to that night, when he felt a rush of fire move from his toes to his head. He recalled the burning he felt in his chest, and how he needed to get out of the car as soon as possible. At the time, he thought he was feeling sick from how much alcohol he ingested in such a short period of time. But now… now he wasn’t too sure. 

Once Alex was done, everyone departed for lunch except Romain. Between them all, Alex was closest to Romain. Maybe it was because he spent a good chunk of his younger life in Britain, or maybe he was just particularly keen of him. It didn’t matter at the end of the day. He was the one friend he had in this group, and he felt relaxed when he saw him alone, scribbling something on his notepad before turning back to the computer screen. 

“Have you heard from Pierre?” He wasn’t sure what possessed him to ask that question, or which part of his brain approved it, but it was out there. The haunting question was sitting in the air, and Alex felt the nerves rack his body. He didn’t want to seem desperate, so he didn’t ask about him and simply shrugged his shoulders whenever they directed their questions at him. But he was genuinely worried, and he couldn’t help it.

Romain stared at him for a few seconds before patting the seat next to him and smiling. When Alex did what he asked, he spoke up, “He took a small break. He said something about needing some space, and preferring to work from home for a bit. You haven’t seen him?”

It was more of a statement than a question. “No.”

Romain scratched his palm and exhaled. He looked tired, but so did the rest of them. Most of them were working on overdrive, trying to get as much done as possible before they left for Christmas. None of them were looking forward to coming back with more work than they left off. 

“Did something happen between you guys?” It seemed like he was hesitant to ask that question. He wasn’t sure why Romain appeared to be walking on a thin line around him, but maybe the subject of Pierre was not something he was too comfortable talking about.

“No,” Alex replied, another short and blunt answer leaving his lips.

“I’m just asking because you guys seemed distant. I thought something might’ve happened before we left. We all noticed how weird it got, especially when we came back. Pierre dismissed the idea when Esteban brought it up, so we just assumed it was nothing, but it was obviously something. I’m not sure if his disappearance has anything to do with that.”

“You and I both,” Alex sighed, his hands now in his hair. “We had an… argument, and I haven’t seen him since, so I was just wondering if you heard anything from him. You know, how he’s doing, where he’s staying, and all that.”

“You should call him,” Romain said as if it was the most mindbogglingly, obvious thing to do. It was easier said than done though. Alex wasn’t sure he could muster the courage to do it, even though he was at fault here. Or was he? He didn’t know. All he knew was that it was a mess. “It would ease the tension, and maybe you can iron a few small things out. Ask him the same questions you just asked me and go from there. He’ll appreciate it.”

When the clock ticked to 4, Alex dialed Pierre’s number. He wasn’t expecting him to pick up, and nearly gave up after hearing five rings, but at the very last one he heard a deep voice speak into the phone. He sounded deflated, maybe even tired, and Alex nearly hung up. He wasn’t sure he could do it. He pushed through his feelings of uncertainty, and despite every siren blaring in his head, he spoke up. 

“Hey,” was all he managed to choke out. The line was quiet, and if it wasn’t for his deep breathing, he would have thought that the brunette hung up. “Alex here. Haven’t seen you at work today, or the last four days. Uh, I was wondering… I just wanted to check up on you, that’s all. I haven’t seen you since.”

Since that day. 

“I’m okay. I’m just taking a few days off to relax, nothing much.” It sounded like a lie, and if it indicated anything, Pierre couldn’t lie to save his life. 

“You haven’t been home.”

“No.”

“I’m worried about you,” the words tumbled out of his mouth before he noticed. His heart was racing, and his head was pounding. He could feel his palms sweating. His insides were contracting, and he felt like every muscle in his body was on edge. Alex leaned his head against the wall, and whispered, “I’m sorry about everything. Please… please just come back home. Just for a night at least. Just so I can make sure you’re okay.”

When Pierre arrived later that night at the apartment, Alex was stunned. He was laying on the couch, watching some Dead By Daylight game play when he heard the keys turn in the lock. He didn’t move from his spot. He just assumed it might’ve been Max, who texted him a few minutes earlier asking about the grocery list. He was pleasantly surprised to see someone else.

Pierre stood in the hallway with a baby blue cotton shirt on. His large, black coat made his frame look thinner and smaller. He had a black beanie on, and had his hands burrowed deep into his pockets. It must’ve been raining outside because his coat was still wet, a few droplets evident on his shoulders. 

Alex turned his laptop off and sat up, unsure of what to say or do. He revisited different scenarios all day long and had long dialogues planned in his mind, but he was frozen now as he watched the older man step closer to his space. Pierre began removing his clothes, one article at a time, eyes completely avoiding the Thai-Brit. He started off with his beanie, revealing a large fluff of his disheveled hair underneath. He later took off his coat, shoes, socks and then his long sleeved baby blue cotton shirt until he was left with a white tee and his borderline black jeans. 

Alex shifted to the left of the sofa, providing Pierre with the rest of the width of the sofa to get comfortable on. To much of his surprise, he plopped himself only a few centimeters away, seated in the middle of the space. 

All the practicing he had done earlier was quickly forgotten, and he didn’t know where to start. He felt a sense of expectancy weighed on his shoulders, because he did ask him to come back home, but Alex had nothing to say. He stared ahead of him at the black screened television and sucked his lips in between his teeth. He was happy that his roommates weren’t around because questions would definitely be raised, but he was upset that they weren’t here to unload the pressure off of him. Conversations were not something Alex was particularly good at, especially when things went to shit. 

After what felt like a few minutes, Pierre leaned forward and grabbed the remote, flicking the television on. The once dim room lit up and the silence was slashed away, replaced by horrible dialogue and recorded laughs. 

It felt like a sign. It felt like this was the universe’s way of saying that everything was put behind them now, and it was time to move forward.

* * *

It was late at night when he felt someone tap his shoulder in an effort to wake him up. Alex grumbled, but the tapping wouldn’t cease. He sighed, turning around to face the hooded figure standing a few meters away from him. He knew who it was. He wiped the sleep out of his eyes and moved into a different position, the blanket now draping around his thighs.

Pierre was fully dressed, and Alex was confused at that. _Was he leaving again?_

“Come with me. I want to show you something,” He wasn’t sure what cell in his body decided it was a good idea to do it, but he got up and went with him anyway.

The breeze was cool, and Alex wished he’d brought his gloves with him, but his fuzzy, barely-awake brain had other plans for him. They were nearing a land of water in the park not too far away from their apartment. Pierre hopped on top of the bridge and sat down, leaning dangerously close to the edge. His legs dangled carelessly, and Alex feared that with one jerk of his leg, he could send himself falling in the freezing water. Alex opted against joining him, simply leaning his arms on the bridge. 

The sun was about to rise in the not so distant future, so the soft perches of the birds could be heard if you paid close attention. The wind kissed his cheeks, sending shivers down his spine. He crossed his legs and shoved his hands in his coat even more, seeking some warmth. His body was still on autopilot with sleep consuming him, but at the same time he was very awake and aware. 

Pierre looked distracted, his main focus was on his dangling legs. Alex watched the way his fingers dug holes into the concrete he was sitting on, and how he was biting the portion of his coat that was closest to his mouth. He felt comfortable around here, and Alex wondered if he came here often. He wondered if he sought refuge in the middle of the night, when no one was around or awake, by the sea.

Alex looked ahead, watching the wind send ripples into the water and causing it to dance around the area. He moved a little closer to Pierre until their arms were touching before he spoke up, “is everything okay?”

Everything wasn’t okay, and he knew it. He could see it in how he avoided his eyes and how he shuddered. His nails were now dirty from how deep he dug it in the concrete. Pierre’s hair was flailing around the place and his cheeks were a light shade of red. He was cold. 

“I’m sorry,” he whispered, his voice barely heard from the rustling of the trees behind him and the whooshing of the wind. He looked defeated and hurt, and Alex wanted to do something to help him feel a bit better, but he didn’t want to get in his space. He wanted to give him the time he needed, just like Alex would’ve wanted if the roles were reversed. Pierre looked away from his legs, eyes looking up ahead at the sky. “It was uncalled for. I shouldn’t have said it the way I did. I acted prematurely, and I’m sorry. I’m sorry if I hurt your feelings that day because that was not my intention. I never meant for things to get that bad. I…. I don’t know what I was thinking.”

“I feel like I should apologize, not you,” Alex laughed, bumping his shoulders against his roommate. “I was the one who slammed your door too. To my defense, I was quite drunk, but that doesn’t make it any better. I should’ve stuck around and listened, even though I wasn’t enjoying the conversation too much.”

Pierre glanced at Alex, his eyes misty and swollen. His cheeks were puffed, and his nose and ears were red. He could see the cracks in his demeanor and the way his whole body was slumped. Alex had to fight every urge in his body to remain put. 

Pierre exhaled, a mist forming as a result of that, before he placed his hands on his knees. He kept leaning forward, almost like he was itching to throw himself off the ledge. 

He didn’t. 

He just looked down, like he was seriously contemplating it. It was worrying, and it was extremely terrifying to witness. 

“My dad was an alcoholic,” Pierre mumbled, his voice barely coherent. His words were a jumbled mess, and if Alex wasn’t glued to his side, he would’ve missed it. “An angry one. You would shake every time you saw him around alcohol, because you never knew what would happen. He was unpredictable, and not in a good way. I blamed myself for a lot of his drinking. I was the youngest of five brothers, so he had specific expectations with me. I was his last hope in achieving his dream. He really was into racing, so he enrolled all my brothers into karting but it never stuck with any of them. With me, he could see some sort of interest unfolding, so he pushed it. He spent a lot of money making a good, competitive kart for me. We traveled to different parts of Europe to compete for national competitions. It was making a dent in his pocket, and my family was suffering because of it. I remember having this one big competition coming up in Monaco. I was excited because we had good race pace, and we were quite familiar with the track. I used to do well there, so my dad was incredibly exhilarated at the prospect of me winning the whole thing. We had a few sponsors coming to watch us, and they told us they’d help us out financially if I won for a while. They typically cover the high costs required to enter competitions, but nothing more. That race was still a big deal. However, before we left, my older brother, Jean, came up to me and told me I had to throw it all away. He told me that they were struggling to pay our electricity and phone bills, and that my brothers couldn’t finance it anymore. He asked me if I really liked what I did, and I did like it, but I didn’t _love_ it. I guess that was when I knew that I only enjoyed it because I was living out his dream for him, and all I wanted to do was make him happy. So we arrived at Monaco, and on the very first lap, I ran into the barriers and crashed. It was a huge impact too. I bruised my hand and couldn’t properly move my left hand for a few weeks, but it was something that needed to be done. That was the last day I saw my dad happy. In a way, I was the reason why he spiraled out of control.”

Alex watched Pierre swipe at his tears in anger, trying his best to keep his guard up and not display his weakness to anyone, let alone Alex. Alex’s hands were trembling, but it wasn’t because it was freezing outside. It was mostly because Pierre decided to place all the blame on himself. Rage and sadness consumed his body, and he felt like a kettle that was hissing as the bubbles steamed.

Alex pulled Pierre into him, his left arm firmly wrapped around his shoulder. Pierre resisted, trying to pull away from his embrace but Alex tightened his grip on him. It took a few tussles, but the brunette finally settled down and dropped his head on Alex’s shoulder, his entire body shaking. Alex wasn’t sure if it was from pure emotion, or whether it was that cold outside. He held Pierre in a cocoon, his right hand now rubbing Pierre’s left arm in an attempt to heat him up. Pierre’s head disappeared in his chest, hidden somewhere underneath the multiple layers of clothing separating the pair. Alex propped his chin on Pierre’s head and shushed him every time he heard a hiccup erupt out of him. 

The sun was slowly starting to come up, the sky now picking up a more purple hue. The clouds hung heavy in the sky, moving ever so slightly to the west. Alex could see the orange blob in the distance, merging colors and creating a mesmerizing sight. It was beautiful. 

When Pierre’s hiccups and trembles slowed down, Alex unwrapped him and removed his right hand from its spot. He still had his left arm draped around his shoulders, and he used it as an excuse to pull the Frenchman closer to him. They were so close that he could smell him, and could feel strands of his hair graze his cheeks whenever the wind picked up its pace. 

“It’s not your fault, you know,” Alex said, breathing the words into his hair. 

Pierre looked up at him, and there was no semblance of personal space between them. If Pierre moved just an inch, his forehead would hit Alex’s chin. But for some reason, none of them seemed to mind. “You weren’t there, Alex. You didn’t see his face, constantly oozing with disappointment every time I had some news to share. I guess he was always hoping that I would tell him I wanted to go back, and maybe a small part of me did, but for all the wrong reasons. So he would drink every night. He drank until he couldn’t tell the difference between his toes and fingers. He scared my mum away because his actions were petrifying. His words were like daggers. No one stuck around when he drank, but I couldn’t get myself to leave, because I was the reason why he was there in the first place. I was the reason why his dream was stripped away from him again. I stayed there and watched him drown bottle after bottle. I stayed there and took all the verbal abuse he hurled at me, all the nasty words he would spit out when his mind couldn’t think of anything else. I would stay there and clean up the mess he made. It was my punishment after all. He went to rehab for a year and things started to get better. There was a sense of normalcy. My brothers were around more often, and my mum would actually sleep at home. It felt nice. I had my first serious relationship around that time, and I thought it was a good idea to bring them home and introduce them to my family. Let’s just say things didn’t go too well, and I was… more or less, kicked out of the house. It was not an easy pill to swallow, you know, being labeled the family disappointment even though you did so well academically and ticked all the boxes. It just happened to be that I ticked the wrong boxes for them, and I was shunted out for it. I wasn’t needed anymore.”

“Pierre…” Alex trailed.

“He’s not a bad man, far from it,” Pierre interrupted. “He was just… lost.” Alex found that hard to believe. Even a lost man wouldn’t throw their child out for not being what they wanted them to be. Alex resented his father, and his family for watching it all unfold and following in his footsteps. “It was his birthday that day and I was just thinking about him, and I was set off. I guess watching you drink like a madman didn’t help either. I really care about you, Alex. I would do anything for you to not end up like him, in that destructive state of mind that is impossible to get out of. I saw glimpses of him in your eyes that night, and I didn’t think I could let this happen again right before my eyes… I couldn’t let it consume someone else.”

Alex curled his hands into Pierre’s coat and watched his eyes dart around, scanning his face and body language. He had to show him that he was here, and he wasn’t going anywhere. He knew better than to let alcohol take over his life. Alex smiled with his eyes before stepping away, missing the warmth that he temporarily received from Pierre's body and stuck his hand out.

Pierre watched him, trying to uncover the mystery in front of him. His body was less tense now. He looked more relaxed and at ease with himself, and Alex wondered whether this was consuming his body and emotions to the extent that he had to step back for a few days to recoup. Pierre shrugged his shoulders and grabbed Alex’s hand, allowing himself to get pulled off the ledge. 

Everything felt alright again. Maybe talking things out wasn’t too bad after all. 

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> a little bit of backstory with pierre. we knew he was involved with karting in some way (after all, that's how he met max) but we didn't really know much about /why/ it ended.
> 
> as always, please don't hesitate to drop your thoughts or any feedback you might have! i haven't said this before but thank you so much for all the kudos and comments so far <3  
> tumblr: https://edenhazrd.tumblr.com/


	4. i get lost inside all the stars in your eyes

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> one of my favorite chapters to write! hopefully you guys enjoy it too :D
> 
> note: this is fiction. it is in no way, shape or form an accurate depiction of real life events. take everything you read with a pinch of salt. happy reading!

_It’s beginning to look a lot like Christmas._

Alex rolled his eyes, navigating his way through the crowded shop in a desperate attempt to leave the place as soon as possible. He was being pushed around, shoulders constantly banging against those who were rushing all over the place. He did this to himself every single damn year. He’d always claim that he changed his ways and would get things done earlier for once, but still left it until the very last minute and regretted it when he was surrounded by people and was suffocated by horrible body odor. 

Max and George were smart. They did all their Christmas shopping during Black Friday, getting the best things for a reduced price and having one less thing to think about during exam season. Alex was… not the brightest bulb in the room. Maybe he deserved to get shoved around the place when he thought it was a good idea to buy gifts on Christmas Eve.

Ever since he moved in, they all had a silent agreement in place to exchange gifts. It was never explicitly said, but having nine wrapped boxes underneath their Christmas tree was a tell that they all thought the same thing. He didn’t know why they celebrated Christmas anyway. George and Max were never around, and they would typically exchange gifts once they came back sometime after New Year’s.

He bought George an Apple Watch after consulting with Max to make sure that they both didn’t get him the same gift. George constantly eyed the watch whenever they walked around the city, going on about how beautiful it was. He was one of those extremely loyal Apple customers. He’d cop anything they released, even something as absurd as an Apple pen. 

(Seriously, though. What was the point in that?)

As for Max, he bought him an electric scooter. Max wasn’t the biggest fan of public transportation, so he would ride his beaten up bicycle everywhere, but that contraption was a hazard. Its pedals were nearly falling apart, and Max was adamant that it wasn’t that big of a deal. Alex disagreed. The last thing he wanted was for his friend to lose a pedal in the middle of the street and get run over by a car. He made the investment that Max was not willing to do himself. 

He also had a little something prepared for Pierre, even though he wasn’t sure if he knew about their annual tradition. It didn’t matter at the end of the day. He was going to get him a gift regardless of that.

Alex unlocked the apartment door, grumbling when he dropped a bag on the floor. Maybe carrying an electric scooter all across Paris with three other plastic bags was not one of his wisest decisions, and he was beginning to regret it. He was regretting a lot of things today, and his lack of organization was one of them.

He walked in to find the Christmas tree lit up with a few hilarious ornaments hung up. The one that never failed to make him laugh was the dick that was placed at the top of the tree instead of a star. It was so… _them_. He eyed the six presents placed underneath the tree. 

George typically went back home to the UK, and Max went back to the Netherlands this time around instead of Belgium. The presents would only turn up underneath the tree when they would leave, so he knew they were both gone. Alex whipped out his gifts and started wrapping them on the living room table, propping the completed ones in their place.

Once he was done, his eyes were heavy and before he knew it, he dozed off on the couch (or his bed, whatever you called it). 

He woke up to the twinkling lights of the Christmas tree, and a soft breeze hitting his face as he shivered in his spot. Night had fallen upon him, and he didn’t even notice how exhausted he was when he initially put his head on the pillow. He was only planning to sleep for an hour at most, but somehow managed to nap for nearly five. 

The aroma of the apartment completely changed, and when he craned his head forward to detect where the delicious scent was coming from, he found Pierre in the kitchen. The brunette was adjusting settings on the oven, darting between the counter table and the oven, pulling things out and replacing it with another plate. He had a Santa hat on, and his cooking mittens were Christmas themed. 

Alex didn’t know they owned any Christmas themed cutlery until he scanned the table. 

He went to the bathroom to quickly wash up and when he came back to the kitchen, he found two wine glasses prepared on the table with a candle lit up in the middle of the centerpiece. The napkins were red, adorned with small pine trees and bauble drawings. The plates weren’t their normal white plates either; they were beige colored plates with a drawing of a house, and Santa Claus and his reindeer propped on the roof. It was definitely aimed for kids, but it was still adorable. Alex wasn’t used to someone going out of their way _this_ much with the festive season. He didn’t even know they sold these types of decorations - mainly because he avoided that section of the store like the plague. The bare minimum was to exchange presents and decorate a tree, and that was all Alex did. 

He made the short stride inside the open kitchen they had, and leaned against the cupboards. He watched a bent-over Pierre, who was squinting while looking inside the oven, “It smells really good.”

“I’m hoping it tastes as good as it smells,” Pierre responded, eyes still trained at the sight in front of him. Alex smiled at the fact that his head was too big for his Santa hat, so he had to readjust it every time he made a slight movement. “Are you hungry?”

“I’m famished. I was going to order some take-out. I was craving some Chinese but after seeing all this… I don’t even know what Chinese food is like,” Pierre chuckled, and rolled his eyes at Alex. “I didn’t know you were staying this weekend.”

“You want me gone?”

“No, no,” Alex furiously shook his head, inching a bit closer to Pierre when he opened the oven and began pulling the large plate out. “George said you wouldn’t be home. I was prepared to spend the holidays on my own, that’s all. It’s nice having someone here.”

Pierre smiled, throwing his mittens at Alex’s chest, “Why didn’t you go back home?”

“There’s nothing to go back to,” It was true, for the most part. He felt most at home here. The last time he flew back home for the holidays was when he first started university, which was nearly five years ago. He sent his family presents and Christmas cards, constantly apologizing for not being able to come back home because of work, which wasn’t a complete lie - at least it wasn’t at the time, but things have changed now and he sometimes wondered why he never even considered going back. “This is my home.”

“So you’re telling me you spend every Christmas on your own in this miserable apartment?” Pierre jokingly asked while he prepared the table. Alex walked right behind his tail, wanting to help him but not knowing with what.

“Hey, it isn’t so bad here,” Alex retorted, dragging his chair out and sitting down. “But no, I’ve been to the Netherlands before with Max to spend Christmas with his family, and I’ll never do that again. Them and alcohol… they’re _insanely_ chaotic. George is quite posh, so their Christmas celebrations are so out of the ordinary, at least to me. So I’d just stay here, and maybe sometimes I’d have a few friends to hang out with and at least have drinks with at the end of Christmas day, but most of them have families and spouses and it feels a bit intrusive. I’m not the biggest advocate of holidays, so I’d prefer to stick around and pretend like it’s just another normal day.”

“But it’s not,” Pierre mumbled, his eyebrow craned up as he watched Alex. 

“I mean… for _you_ , maybe,” Alex pointed at him with his napkin, “but it’s honestly not that different from a typical Sunday to me.”

Pierre bit his tongue and stopped himself from saying anything back. He grabbed the knife and began cutting into the dish, smoke erupting out of it. Alex spent a fair bit of time in France to recognize the dishes in front of him. French people would typically have a feast at midnight called Réveillon, which essentially meant ‘awakening’. Pierre made a bowl of sweet potato gnocchi, butternut squash soup and côte de boeuf. 

Dinner went by quickly, the majority of it consisting of Alex humming in content and praising Pierre over his food and his _‘deliciously powerful hands’_ while Pierre shook his head at his every comment, not knowing how to accept the compliments thrown his way.

They were both seated on the couch, sharing a blanket (well… Pierre was hogging most of it while Alex grumbled, always pulling it towards him because he was so cold) while watching Un Conte de Noël. Alex contemplated getting up and shutting the open window so he would stop shivering, but he was too lazy and was adamant on getting _his_ blanket back.

He pulled one more time, and this time he received a kick from Pierre, whose eyes were drilled into the television, completely immersed in a movie he claimed to have seen over a hundred times. “Pierre…. _please._ I’m freezing my balls off. You have a proper sweater _and_ socks on.” 

“Sounds like a you problem,” Pierre responded, pulling more of the blanket towards him to irk the younger man. Alex grumbled and moaned, slapping his arm on the couch like a petulant child in hopes of gaining some sympathy.

He got none. Pierre was too busy watching Catherine Deneuve complain about something.

Alex huffed one last time before scooting closer, his shoulders bumping into Pierre’s and catching him off guard. He sat as close to him as possible (he was _nearly_ on his lap at this rate) and brought the blanket up to his chin, cherishing the warmth that he was lacking for the last hour. Pierre laughed, and loosened his tight-hold grip on the blanket, providing Alex with more of it. They sat together in silence as they watched the movie. 

Alex didn’t exactly have a Christmas Eve - or even Christmas day - tradition so he just followed along with whatever Pierre wanted to do. It most definitely felt like a French holiday for once. He was receiving the entire package and experience. 

Pierre placed his hand on Alex’s thigh, wrapping his fingers on the inside of it and giving it the gentlest of rubs. Alex tried his best not to react, but felt his Adam's apple bob up when Pierre’s eyes fell on him, “You’re shivering.”

His hand was so high. Just a few more movements and it would be right next to his crotch, and Alex’s heart was beating at a terrifyingly high rate. It got worse every time Pierre moved his fingers, trying to generate some warmth by rubbing his hand on Alex’s thigh.

Alex suddenly stood up, and with that movement, the blanket fell between them on the ground. His breathing was ragged, like he just went mountain climbing. His inner thigh was on fire. He was sure that if he lifted the material of his pants, he’d see a red mark the size of Pierre’s hands. It stung. 

Pierre watched him with a perplexed look, unsure if he’d overstepped. 

He didn’t. 

Alex didn’t want him to think that, but he knew if he stayed there for a second longer he would’ve combusted. 

Alex laughed nervously, and used his thumb to point to something behind him, “I have something for you.” He wasn’t planning on doing this right now, but he needed an excuse. He needed anything to get himself out of that moment before he said or did something embarrassing. His mind was foggy because of the champagne he had earlier, and he wasn’t going to let that cause a disruption in the good thing they had going on. Alex darted to George’s room and came back with a wrapped present, a small red bow at the top right next to the card. He pushed the box in Pierre’s space, and smiled hesitantly. He definitely looked nervous. “This is for you.”

Pierre took the present from him and stood up. For anyone peering into their space from the outside, they would be witnessing the most awkward confrontation to date. They would be seeing two men standing in the middle of their living room with at least two meters of distance between them. “I didn’t… You didn’t have to do this.”

“I know,” Alex said, rocking on the heels of his feet, “but I wanted to.”

Pierre shook the box a few times next to his ear, trying his best to guess what the contents of the present were. He had a full fledged grin on his face. He looked like a giddy child on Christmas morning. Pierre placed the card in his pocket, opting to unwrap the present first before reading it. Alex was thankful for that.

Pierre’s mouth was agape once he got a closer look at the gift, and stared at Alex with his mouth in an o shape for a few seconds before marveling at the box in front of him. Alex spent a fair bit of his time with Pierre, whether it was at the office, at home, during car rides or even doing simple tasks like grocery shopping. He heard him whine and complain about a lot of things - one of them being his beaten up tablet. 

Pierre loved sketching and drawing in general, but his current tablet had a huge crack in the center and a busted pen which would draw lines in the wrong places. There was an input delay, but Pierre never brought himself to change it. He would always mention how he didn’t have enough time to sketch during his free time since he was always consumed by work, so there was no point in making an investment. But that didn’t stop him from whining when it wouldn’t work the way he wanted it to. 

“Alex…” Pierre whispered as he surveyed the box. Alex got him a Wacom Cintiq 22 drawing tablet, which left a massive hole in his bank account. Those were expensive, and coupled with the two gifts he got for George and Max, he wasn’t sure he could afford food for a while. “Are you fucking stupid?”

“Sometimes, but not this time,” Alex giggled, scrunching his nose as he watched the brunette in front of him. Pierre sighed and sat down on his knees, only staring at the box in silence. Alex shuffled in his spot and went a little closer, “Do you like it? I hope it’s the right one.”

In a sudden, Alex felt Pierre throw himself at him, slightly losing his balance and taking a few steps backwards from the impact. He let out a small _oof_ before gripping the shorter man in his embrace, his arms circling around his waist. Pierre was laughing in the crook of his neck, sending shivers throughout his body at the hot air touching his skin. 

They rocked back and forth in each other’s arms for a few seconds before Pierre pulled away, his hands coming up to either side of Alex’s face. He gave it a squeeze, and Alex felt his face contort to the fish face look that they used to do as kids, “It’s perfect, and expensive. Why and how did you manage this?”

Pierre’s grip on his face softened, with his hands cradling his cheeks now. Alex half smiled, still feeling the effects on his face, “Took up a few extra jobs on the side. I haven’t been the best person to be around this year - or in the last few years, really - and I wanted to get each one of you something special. Was it worth all those grueling hours and sleepless nights? Always, especially if,” Alex paused, jokingly bopping Pierre’s nose, “I receive this reaction.”

He wasn’t sure how they ended up in this position. Young by Vacations was playing in the background, something they forgot to pause after having dinner. It was at a low volume, which was why they somehow didn’t notice it was still on when they were watching the movie, but it was loud and clear now as they rocked in the empty and beautifully lit living room. His hands were still gripping his waist, his fingers not too far from the small of his back. Pierre’s hands were on his face, but his thumbs were now circling around his cheeks. It felt good. It oddly felt right. 

_The booze was infecting his mind now._

Pierre’s eyes were clouded, but he could see his eyes smile back at him. His blue irises looked directly into his, and it would normally make Alex fidget in his spot, but not today. His features were relaxed, a hint of a smile attached to his lips. The back of his hair was a mess from leaning against the sofa. He looked content, and Alex was used to seeing this version of Pierre, but there was something different about the way he looked at him. There was a different aura around him, and Alex couldn’t quite figure it out. 

Pierre’s eyes darted down to his lips for a second before meeting his eyes again, and Alex gulped. His heart began racing again, and the erratic banging was all he heard in his ears. Alex gave his waist a squeeze, hoping that tiny signal would be understood. After all, he didn’t want to do anything that was not okay with the Frenchman, so he laid out all the cards and waited for him to pick up the role as the dealer. 

_The booze was infecting their minds now._

Pierre leaned forward, still incredibly hesitant and jittery with his movements. Alex met him halfway, but only to place his forward against his. He felt his breath against his face, and closed his eyes. Alex was slightly taller than Pierre - at least 9 centimeters taller - so he was leaning down to meet him at his height, while Pierre craned his neck upwards to compensate for the slight difference.

When Alex opened his eyes again, he noticed that Pierre’s eyes were sealed shut and he wondered whether the rocking lulled him to sleep, but his hands moved from his cheeks to his neck and Alex shivered when his cold hands made contact with his warm neck. 

Alex pulled Pierre's waist closer to him until their bodies were touching and there was no gap between them. The corner of Pierre’s lips pulled up at that tiny action, and it instilled a little confidence in him because the brunette did the same, eradicating the gap between them.

His soft lips grazed Alex’s at first before he pecked him. He was so hesitant, and Alex felt like his heart was going to burst. Pierre pulled away and sighed, running his fingers through Alex’s hair. Alex paused for a second, just waiting for that moment of regret to come through. He was waiting to receive a negative reaction from the shorter man, but all he felt was his breath tangling with his. 

Alex went in again, unsatisfied with all he got, and deepened their last kiss. Their lips moved in synchronized motions, the music in the background drowning in their ears. It wasn’t something Alex thought about often, but it felt like all the pieces aligned perfectly for him. It seemed like if it was going to happen, this was always the way it was bound to end up. Delicate touches, subtle movements, gentle hands and shaky breaths. Pierre pulled away first, breathing heavily before rubbing his nose against Alex’s. 

Alex giggled at that unexpected act, and leaned forward to place a soft, short kiss on his cheek before moving away and watching his eyes. Pierre’s fingers played with the hairs at the nape of Alex’s neck, and there was no element of uncertainty in his eyes. His deep blue orbs had a pool of satisfaction and infatuation twisted in them, but Alex wasn’t one to believe the tricks his mind always pulled on him.

_This was the booze talking._

Pierre put his hands on top of Alex’s, which was still firmly situated on his hips. “Will you show me what you can do with that tablet?” Alex asked, “I was informed of all the new features, so I can share a bit of my intellect with the needy.”

“Bastard,” Pierre barked out, his head falling back as the laughter consumed him. The little dimple in his cheek made an appearance, and it was a sight Alex wanted to treasure in his mind forever. Pierre pulled away, grabbing Alex’s hands and directing him to the couch, “come.”

It was quite late, yet Alex felt everything but exhaustion ooze into his system. He was in bliss, especially right now as he sat on the couch and outlined a certain man’s hands. He used his index finger to follow the creases in his palms and attentively watched where each line would lead him. His head was on Pierre’s shoulder, listening to his heart beat as if it was his favorite song. Pierre was pulling at the loose strings of Alex’s hoodie, seemingly soaking the moment in too. 

The fireplace cackled as it burned through the wood, the soft ebb and flow of the wind sending the fire in different directions. 

Alex only had one glass of champagne, and so did Pierre, so he knew that blaming everything on the alcohol was precarious, but it was the only thing that made sense. 

He closed his eyes, begging his mind to shut up for once just so he could live in the moment and avoid analyzing everything. It wasn’t the time or place for it.

He felt happy for the first time in a long time, and he wanted to bask in the glory before the feeling slipped out of his fingers again.

* * *

George and Max came back home on Christmas Day, to much of Alex’s surprise. He wasn’t expecting his friends to burst in the apartment in the evening, and was genuinely surprised to see their presence. He didn’t think they would be back until next year at the very least. 

“Surprise!” George whispered after pulling away from the hug. He looked untroubled. He looked happy. Going back home and away from the jumbled mess of a life that he had over here did wonders for him, and it was clear to see. “We didn’t want to leave you alone for too long, so we decided to come back a bit earlier. Frankly speaking, I don’t think Max would have survived staying home for more than two days.”

“Never,” Max shouted from across the room, his head deep inside the fridge. He pulled out some of the leftover food from last night, gave it a sniff and decided it was worthy enough to reheat. “My dad’s side are a different breed, I’m telling you. I wanted to leave as soon as I arrived because I knew I’d end up killing someone if I stayed for more than 48 hours. Who made this, by the way? It’s really good.”

“Pierre did,” Alex replied. Pierre somehow managed to dodge them, leaving just a few minutes before they arrived to pick up a few things from the grocery store. Not many stores were open today, so he warned Alex not to worry if he wasn’t back for at least another hour. “There’s some sauce in the fridge. Heat that up and put it on top, it’ll taste even better.”

“Pierre’s here?” George asked, a bewildered look on his face. He exchanged looks with Max, who simply shrugged his shoulders as he devoured his plate, “I thought he wasn’t staying.”

“Yeah, so did I. I was going off of what you told me, so I was as shocked as you are right now when I saw him in the kitchen yesterday.”

Alex felt uneasy as he watched his two friends look at each other, and he was nearly about to ask them what was going on before Max beat him to it, steering the subject elsewhere. “Are we still up for the plan?”

“What plan?” Alex repeated, stealing a piece of ham from Max’s plate. He growled at him, trying to bite Alex’s hand but Alex shoved his face away just in time.

“You know… the usual plan?” George began, running his hands in the air and making obnoxious looking gestures. When Alex said nothing in response and simply watched him with raised eyebrows, George sighed, “Versailles **.”**

Alex let out a laugh, as if that was the most obvious thing in the world. The last time they’d been to Versailles was nearly three years ago, and that was to celebrate Alex’s graduation. It was hardly a tradition of theirs, but it was the only other place they visited in France as a group. They would go for a change of scenery, and would have coffee at this exact same coffee shop every single time before coming back home. 

They had always spoken about visiting the Alps for a skiing trip, and it was definitely on the cards but it was not going to happen before January. At least not until George and Max completed their exams, which seemed to be the one thing stopping them from going on that grand trip they’d all been dreaming about.

By the time Pierre came back, all the gifts had been exchanged, but he made it just in time to see Max nearly burst into tears at the sight of his scooter. Alex received a few shoves from both of them, one a bit more painful than the other, for wasting that much money on such expensive gifts, and he was starting to notice the recurring theme between his roommates. 

Pierre handed George a cup of hot chocolate, eyeing all three of them for having matching pajamas on. Max chuckled at his confusion, and threw him a pair, threatening him to not make an appearance until he changed into them.

“George… thank you so much. It only makes sense that you finally got me one after breaking it. Now I can actually carry a real tripod around instead of stacking random objects on top of each other," Alex smiled, the dimple in his cheek protruding.

“Look, I’m sorry about that, okay? I didn’t mean to kick it,” George apologized, putting his hands up in the air. “It just happened to be in the wrong place at the wrong time.”

“Who plays football indoors, anyway?” Max responded, winking at George before scattering away from his spot the second he saw the taller man stand up. “We both know that you weren’t playing _football_ when it happened,” Max used air quotations and screeched when he received a blow to his chest. 

Pierre returned to the living room with two mugs in his hands this time around. He watched Max receive a beating from George and chuckled whenever the Dutch man cried out for help. Once George stepped away, Pierre gave him his mug of hot chocolate.

Alex shook the last present he had, trying to guess what it could be. It was from Max, and it was in a tiny box, so the options were limited. George was voicing out his guesses, but Alex knew exactly what the gift was. He knew Max, and he knew his tricks.

“A ring,” George exclaimed, clapping his hands together.

“It’s definitely not a ring,” Alex shook his head, throwing daggers at Max’s eyes. Max only shrugged his shoulders in response, a smirk on his face. “Do you really think this cheap bastard would get me something nice?”

“Hey, hey. Don’t be ungrateful now. _That_ is a very nice gift,” Max pointed at the wrapped box in Alex’s hands, “and it’ll actually be used, unlike that useless tripod.”

Pierre moved towards Alex, putting the mug in his direction. Alex smiled at him, and subtly grazed his fingers as he took it from him and placed it on the table. George watched the exchange like a hawk, his eyebrows furrowed. He alternated between the pair, scrutinizing them intently until Pierre sat on the smaller sofa to the left of them.

Alex looked at the card first, and nearly groaned when the only thing on it was a winky face. He unwrapped the present and once he noticed what it was, he threw the box at Max. “I knew it. At least buy me the right size, reptile.”

“Small isn’t good enough?” Max choked out, finding the whole situation hysterical. George leaned over and pulled the semi unwrapped box from Max’s hand, and smiled when he noticed it was a box of condoms. Max leaned backwards, pulling something out from the inside of the tree before he threw it at Alex’s chest, “There you go. A large.”

“Thanks,” Alex begrudgingly muttered, dropping the box on the table and grabbing his mug. 

“Might save you a few trips when you’re attending to your booty calls in the middle of the night,” George ridiculed, patting his back. Alex wanted the ground to swallow him then and there, and felt his face reddening. He quickly took a sip of his sizzling hot chocolate, trying to hide his embarrassment. 

“Booty call?” Pierre chuckled, looking at him with raised eyebrows. “No wonder why you’re never around at night.”

“That’s exactly what I said!” Max declared, jumping in his spot excitedly. Alex wanted to smack him senseless, but sat still and continued drinking. He’d seek his revenge some other time. “You weren’t here when we caught him in the act. He came home around noon in clothes that were so small. Like… _so small,_ Pierre. Not only that, but his face was busted up and he looked absolutely ruined. You had to see him tiptoeing his way into the house only to surrender in defeat when he noticed that we were sitting right there.”

“Ah,” Pierre nodded, shifting his eyes from Max and meeting Alex’s. He _knew_ what booty call they were referring to. “What was his excuse?”

“Someone beat him up,” George snickered, flicking Alex’s ears, which were nearly the same shade of red as his Christmas pants, “You’re an open book, Albon.”

Maybe he was.

**& &&&&&**

George and Alex were seated at their usual table in the tiny coffee shop hidden in the corner of the street. It was relatively unknown to tourists, but it was a hub for students who lived around the area. It was roughly ten minutes from where they lived, but it was quite close to the library, so it was some place they randomly stumbled upon when they got kicked out late at night prior to an exam date. Ever since then, it was where they came for their coffees. 

Max and Pierre were surveying the cakes, pointing at the wide array of options and bickering over what they should get. Alex adjusted himself in his seat and swirled his cappuccino around, watching the flower decorated in foam disappear. 

George was shaking his leg, effectively moving the unstable table around but Alex stayed quiet. He was getting nervy with his exam being less than two hours away, and he wasn’t going to shout at him for that. Max would do the job when he got back. 

He groaned, and turned his laptop off, mumbling something about not having it in him to revise anymore. Alex was too busy watching Pierre, who was on his toes while he spoke to the barista. George turned around to see what Alex was staring at before going back to drinking his hot chocolate, which was probably cold by now.

“So what’s up with you?” George asked, taking a bite of the complimentary cookie he received. 

“Nothing too crazy,” Alex dismissed, grabbing George’s cookie and breaking it in half. “Work’s been pretty good. Nothing too difficult just yet, it’s the bog standard stuff that I can do in my sleep. I applied for this little gig that’s supposed to happen next month. It’s like a hackathon, and I haven’t really heard from them just yet so I’m waiting on that. I also went by an alias, just in case. But besides that, nothing much. I’m thinking of buying us a new couch once I can because it’s honestly busted up at this rate and I don’t know how much longer my back can withstand all that pain.”

“You do know that hackathon is going to be full of kids and rookies, right? You’re going to blow them out of the park,” George derided, brushing his fingers together. “At least pretend like you don’t know what you’re doing at first.”

“It’s full of some big names, so I’m setting myself up for defeat, but it’ll be good fun,” Alex interjected. “It’s been a while.”

Alex’s eyes darted back to his other two roommates, who were now watching something on Max’s phone as they stood by the counter. Pierre was gasping over something, and was pulling his beanie down until it covered his eyes. Max just stood there and laughed, trying his best to get the Frenchman to see what was on his screen.

“But what’s really up?” George asked again, a more serious look plastered on his face. Alex tilted his head to the side, completely lost in translation. George bobbed his head to the left, right where Max and Pierre were, “with him.”

“I’m not too sure. It seems like they’re watching something on Max’s ph-”

“With Pierre, I mean,” George interrupted. 

Alex juted his lip out, unsure of what to say. For the first time ever, the four of them spent a good amount of time together as a group. Normally, someone would be missing, and that someone was Alex, who would be holed up elsewhere because he didn’t fancy conversing with others. But it was Christmas, and then it was New Year’s, and he had nowhere to go but to stay at home.

He had no regrets though. It felt good catching up on what everyone was up to, and he learned more about Pierre as time went on. Max’s obnoxious and absurd questions would always unravel something about someone that you least expected, and that was exactly what happened. Alex never would have pegged Pierre to be an avid advocate for pineapple on pizza, or someone who tried worms before and didn’t hate them.

“I don’t know what you’re asking?” Alex replied in an unsure tone. “Is this related to work?”

“Alex,” George scolded sternly, his arms now crossed as he eyeballed Alex.

“George,” Alex rolled his tongue at every letter, looking at him in exasperation. “Just get to the point, mate. You don’t have to be so cryptic.”

“You like him,” George pointed out, and Alex wanted to scream. All that buildup and he just wanted to say that. He was losing his head.

“Yeah?” Alex gawked at him, “I wouldn’t voluntarily spend time with him if I didn’t. I thought you guys liked him too? Unless something happened and I wasn’t in the loop.”

“You hurt my head sometimes,” the dirty blonde haired man chuckled, and rolled his blue eyes to the back of his head. “You’re actually blind, you know that? Either that or your brain just doesn’t work. I’m not sure which is worse. I can’t believe _I’m_ the one who has to tell you this.”

“Enlighten me then, since I’m so blind and dumb,” Alex retorted, taking a sip of his cappuccino. He couldn’t stand him sometimes. George loved dramatizing everything and drawing a situation out for no reason. He couldn’t help it.

“He likes you… like he genuinely _likes_ you. Is that going through your thick brain or do I have to phrase it differently?” When George didn’t evoke the reaction he wanted from Alex, he sighed and tried again, “he wants to fuck you.”

“Woah, woah. Okay, okay, okay,” Alex raised his hands above his head, laughing in disbelief. He laughed until he felt like his lungs were going to fall out of his chest. “You’re absurd for even _making_ that claim, first of all. Also, have you come to this conclusion based on your detection skills? Because that worked out perfectly well the last time you told Max the same thing, didn’t it? You brought back a deflated kid because you could ‘see it in their eyes’ or whatever you told him.”

“ _No_. Just no. Don’t bring that situation back up because it’s not the same, and you know it,” George pointed at him with squinted eyes. “I live with this guy, and I see it with my own two eyes, alright? It’s not a fleeting judgment like it was last time around. You’re only going gung-ho on me because you know I’m right, and the feelings are reciprocated.” 

“What feelings are reciprocated?” Max asked, pulling his chair out and sitting on it. Pierre was a few steps behind, carrying the tray of sandwiches they just purchased. 

“George just confessed his love for you, and he thinks you like him too,” Alex declared, daring George to voice out his assumption with Pierre right next to him. 

He didn’t. He only took another bite of his cookie.

“Wait, really?” Max proclaimed, darting his eyes to look at George. He grabbed his face in his hands and kissed his cheeks, muttering nothing but mocking words. “I love you too, baby.”

“Yeah,” George grumbled, patting Max’s hand that was on his cheek, “love you.”

George exchanged looks with Alex one last time before he began reciting everything he knew, throwing his flashcards at Max so he could begin getting questioned. 

Alex knew what that look meant. _We’ll talk about this some other time._

**& &&&&&**

“Is this the place?” Pierre asked, stopping right outside of a driveway as he peered inside. He had his window rolled down and read the house number out loud for confirmation.

“Looks like it,” Alex craned his neck downwards to get a better look of the place. It was a large house, decorated with flower pots that outlined the path that took them to the front door. Pierre drove at a walking pace, looking around and surveying the area. 

It was more of a mansion than a house. The garage had at least five different luxury cars parked in it, and there was a whole section of their garden littered with outdoor activities like a trampoline, two goalposts, a swing set and even a basketball court. The house’s light pink color and white outlines made it look far from glamorous, but it complemented everything else pretty well. 

Pierre stopped a few meters away from the main door, hoping not to overstep. He was completely bewildered by what he was seeing in front of him, constantly letting out _wow_ ’s as he moved through the long pathway. 

Alex felt the muscles in his body tense and he convinced himself to relax. He dropped his head back until it hit the headrest and took a few deep breaths, focusing on the moment and acknowledging his surroundings. Pierre gave Alex’s knee a little squeeze, and once Alex was done with his short meditation session, he squeezed his hand in return. “Are you sure you don’t want me to come with you? I can play the role of a translator.”

“I’ll be fine, don’t worry about it. It’ll only take me ten minutes, but you don’t have to stick around. I can grab a cab once I’m done.”

“No, I’ll wait,” Pierre interjected, his hand now grazing his forehead, “but I’ll wait outside, so just send me a message when you’re done and I’ll come back in. I saw two large dogs by the door and if they released them to eat me, then I’m done and dusted. I’d feel safer behind the bars.”

“They’re not going to let their dogs out to eat you,” Alex giggled. He was quite happy that Pierre was making an effort to lighten the mood and lessen his nerves, even though his heart was beating dangerously fast every time the clock ticked.

“Did you see the size of them? God knows what they feed them, and I’m honestly not too interested to find out,” Pierre tapped his fingers against the steering wheel, something Alex noticed that he did when he was anxious about something. Alex wasn’t sure if he was anxious for him, or because those dogs genuinely terrified him. “Good luck. Go and smash it out of the park. I know you will.”

Pierre clasped his hand on Alex’s shoulder and studied his features. If Alex truly was an open book like they all claimed, then he could definitely sense the fear and insecurity brewing in his system. He hoped his eyes didn’t give too much away. The last thing he wanted was to look vulnerable before what might be the most important meeting of his life. 

Alex gulped, his ears ringing loudly and his eyes seeing stars. He was starting to feel dizzy, and his foot wouldn’t stop tapping relentlessly against the carpeted floor of the car. His ragged breaths and erratic movements were the milder symptoms of a panic attack, but he willed his body to take a step back and calm down. 

He tried his best to stop the memories from resurfacing. He tried his best to shove them back down and focus on the present, but it was becoming harder the more he thought about it.

Pierre pulled on his arm and dragged him in for a hug, holding on to him with a tight grip. Alex’s whole body was shaking now, and his fingers could barely remain rooted on one spot of Pierre’s back. He heard a few words being whispered in his ears, but the ringing was too loud for him to make sense of it. It was all a jumbled mess. 

When Alex heard his phone ring, he jumped in his spot and pulled away. It was his alarm. He set it to notify him when the meeting was five minutes away, and he knew that he had no more time to sit back and mess around. It was time for him to dust everything off and face whatever stood behind that door with a straight face. 

Alex gave Pierre one last nod of the head before he left the car, walking to the large doors begrudgingly. He couldn’t remember the last time he was here, and frankly speaking, he was quite happy he didn’t. For once, he was glad that his intoxicated mind hid certain memories in favor of his sanity. 

“Alex, welcome,” Alex stopped in his tracks, feeling all the oxygen in his lungs suddenly disappear. His familiar voice sent shivers down his spine, and every cell in his body was screaming at him to run away. “It’s been a while.”

He turned around to face the person with the familiar voice instead.

“Luca,” Alex greeted, sticking his hand out, “nice to see you again.”

“Never thought you’d use the words ‘nice’ and ‘you’ in the same sentence again, but I’ll take any compliment I can get from you,” Luca still had his perfect hollywood smile, and his black hair was perfectly slicked to the side. His teal colored eyes had that glint to it, which roped you in even when you didn’t want to, and Alex felt so many emotions bubble up inside of him that he fought against for years. He was still as beautiful as he remembered. “We didn’t exactly… end things on a good note.”

That was an understatement. 

Luca placed his hand at the small of Alex’s back, and Alex tried his best not to flinch at the contact, but he was sure that Luca sensed something was off. He chose to ignore it if he did notice, and ushered him inside the house into the large office. 

Alex recognized the man at the table, and remembered his menacing words and threats. Every bad memory attached to this man went through Alex’s mind in a matter of seconds, and he felt all the sadness and feelings of abandonment and not being good enough consume his body. It was amazing how one person could trigger all those emotions without saying a single word.

The menacing old man, who was at least seventy years old, gestured to the chair in front of him and Alex followed his requests like a pawn. He told himself he would never listen to them again, but here he was. Luca stood close behind with his hands behind his back, looking straight ahead at Dr. Marko.

Alex felt ill again. He felt like that seventeen year old boy who was approached by him and given an offer no one could refuse.

“Alexander… you’ve grown up to become a handsome man. Don’t you agree, Luca?” Luca hummed in agreement, and Alex felt his eyelids flutter shut. He hated it here. He wanted to leave. “I’ve been keeping an eye out for you, like I always promised I would, remember? After all, you’re a part of our family, and you always will be, and do you know what families do? They look after their own.”

_You left me to rot. You never looked after me, you deceptive bastard._

“I heard that you finally found yourself a job, though I expected you to land yourself a more high profile job given your qualifications. Seeing you work for some small unknown firm is… disappointing, to say the least. So much of your talent is being wasted, and what for? You were destined for greatness.”

_Were. Past tense._

“I have a task for you. An offer you can’t possibly refuse. I mean, it’s not like you’re doing anything important right now, and you need the money. It must be hard living somewhere and acting as a charity case because you don’t have enough money to pay your portion of the rent. Don’t you ever feel guilty? Don’t you ever feel like you’re digging into their pockets and constantly taking things but never giving back? Because that’s what you do, right Alex? You take, take, take, take and never give back.”

_I take, take, take, take and never give back, don’t I?_

“I need you to hack into BPCE’s system and retrieve some information on someone who goes by the initials of J.G. You’ll know exactly who I’m talking about once you see how much money he has in his account. He somehow evaded the law, and was ruled innocent against tax evasion, but we think it’s absolute bullshit and we want you to verify that against the records he provided the court with. He’s a con artist. He’s a bad man, Alex, and he’s been praying for our downfall. All I want to do is set the records right and exploit guilty people. You know that, right? Everything we do is for the betterment of society as a whole. We can’t let corrupt politicians or rich people get away with everything. All the information you need is on that usb,” Luca’s hand was in his line of sight again, and Alex eyed the small black usb stick in the middle of his palm. “So what do you say?”

“What if I said no?” Alex was no longer a puppet for them to constantly pull his strings and direct him to do things that he wanted no involvement with. He suffered the repercussions of being left out of their cult, and despite how difficult it was for him to find himself after all those years, he was unsure whether he wanted to dip his toes back in the dangerous waters that brought nothing but pain for everyone involved, including himself. 

Dr. Marko laughed, his hoarse voice causing goosebumps to appear on Alex’s arms. “You wouldn’t say no… how’s George nowadays? Max? Are they both doing well? They’re nearly done with university, right?” Alex clenched his fists in his lap, imagining different scenarios of him beating the shit out of the elderly man, as well as the muppet standing right beside him with an open hand. “What about Pierre?”

Alex felt all the air in his system go away. It was like a blow to his chest, and the feeling was not too far off what he experienced when he got kicked repeatedly the day his roommate found him sprawled out on the streets. The coin finally dropped. They had one more person on their target list to force Alex’s hand into doing things. 

Luca moved his hand again, this time much closer to Alex’s face, and he pulled the usb out of his hand and shoved it into his pocket. It felt like he’d grabbed the bullet, and was simply waiting for the right time to load his gun. He felt sick. 

“Good. We’ll reach out to you in five days. Make sure everything is ready by then, or else… well you know better than everyone how this all works.” Dr. Marko was smiling at him, and his skin was crawling. He felt dirty again. He wanted to bolt back home and scrub his skin until he didn’t have any. He wanted to drown himself in acid, because that felt like the only way he could feel good about himself. “Nice seeing you again, Alexander. Say hi to your family for me.”

Everything else was a haze. Alex dragged himself out of the room, his lifeless body moving on autopilot and directing him to the front door. He ignored Luca’s affectionate words and touches, and walked until he felt the sun touch his skin. He made the long trek until he found himself outside of the mansion’s confines, and knocked on Pierre’s metallic blue car’s window.

“How did it go?” Pierre asked excitedly, his hopeful eyes smiling at him. Alex didn’t say a word. He simply sat down in his seat and looked ahead, hoping Pierre would get the message and drive away.

He did exactly that, and the pair didn’t exchange a single word on the ride back home.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> yeah... i had to include the demon himself. sorry not sorry.
> 
> i had a lot of fun with this. i was writing this during my exams so it was a ROUGH time back then, hence why this was so... sappy. let me know what your favorite bits were!
> 
> please don't hesitate to drop your thoughts or any feedback you might have! thank you so SO much for all the kudos and comments so far. they really get me through any writing slump <3
> 
> tumblr: https://edenhazrd.tumblr.com/


	5. all of a sudden, you're sick to your stomach

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> a shorter one this week.
> 
> note: this is fiction. it is in no way, shape or form an accurate depiction of real life events. take everything you read with a pinch of salt. happy reading!

Alex spent a lot of time in front of his laptop, watching his text cursor without making an effort to fill in the blanks and get the job done. 

He was angry with himself for going back. He was expecting some sort of explanation or apology for how things ended last time around. He wasn’t expecting to get drawn back into their universe of corruption and deception. He wanted nothing to do with them, but they had so much leverage over him, and he had first hand experience on how powerful they were. With the snap of a finger, they managed to turn all the world-renowned companies against him. 

Heck, they even scared off the smaller-sized suitors.

They managed to turn his entire world upside down after helping him build it up in the first place. He hated how entitled they were to his success.

He couldn’t remember the last time he slept. His guilty conscience wouldn’t let him relax or go to bed. He was petrified to plug the USB stick into his laptop. He wasn’t prepared to see what they intended to do to the poor victim. He wasn’t prepared to help them ruin another person’s life.

It was three in the morning, and his back was hurting him from his constant slouching. He had his elbow on the kitchen table and he rested his cheek on his palm, just staring at a blank canvas. He only had two days to complete the task, and he was well aware that he needed to start right now if he wanted to get things done by their deadline. 

He heard a door creak and a small bit of light illuminated the dark kitchen area. The soft platter of footsteps approached him and stopped right behind his back.

It was Pierre. He recognized his footsteps.

Pierre massaged his shoulders, glancing at his laptop screen and wondering what was keeping him up at this hour. His right hand combed through his hair, and he tried his best to soothe the younger man. The tension was evident in his posture alone. “Are you tired?”

“No,” Alex replied. 

_Lie_.

(He wished he could fall asleep and never wake up.)

“You look tired,” Pierre remarked, but received no response from Alex. He looked straight ahead at his screen, not making a single move. He simply watched the cursor disappear and reappear. It was therapeutic at this rate. It was predictable. It was constant. Pierre leaned downwards, his arms now tangling around Alex’s chest while he propped his chin on his shoulder. He hugged him from behind, and watched the cursor disappear and reappear too. He didn’t find it as intriguing as Alex did. “Let’s go to bed.”

“I can’t sleep,” Alex whispered. His eyelids were getting heavier by the second, but he just couldn’t get himself to sleep. He couldn’t shut down. “I have work to do, and I don’t have much time left to get it done.”

“I know, but maybe a short nap can help you out. It might freshen your mind. I promise I’ll wake you up in two hours when I leave for my morning run,” Pierre’s cheek was now touching Alex’s, and he could feel his messy and wet hair grazing his face. It was almost ticklish. “I can’t sleep either, so you can come lie down with me.”

“I don’t know…” He wished he could tell Pierre everything, but he couldn’t. He couldn’t unload every secret he kept in him for the last six years out in the open to his roommate. 

“You’ve been sitting in this exact spot for the whole day, and I know you’re sore and tired,” Pierre placed a kiss on his cheek before moving into his line of sight, crouching down to his knees to look Alex in the eyes. His hand automatically made its way to his face and lightly caressed his cheek. “Just come sit with me if you don’t want to sleep. Two hours. That’s all I ask for. I’ll let you come back here once I leave. What do you say?”

It was a tempting offer, and it was a momentary excuse to abandon that world for a few hours and pretend like he was a normal guy. He loved pretending, and the opportunity presented itself with open arms.

Alex leaned his face into Pierre’s palm and closed his eyes, enjoying the feeling on his fingers dancing around his cheeks and the way it gently brushed against him. He could fall asleep to that right where he was, but he didn’t. He only looked at Pierre and nodded his head, agreeing to his deal without exchanging any words. 

Pierre stood up and stuck his hand out, clasping his much warmer and smaller hands with Alex’s rough and cold hands. He allowed himself to be led to the one room that illuminated the dark kitchen, and sighed when he heard the door click shut right behind him once he was in. 

Pierre was incredibly tidy, and there was not one misplaced item in his room. His double of full bed was neatly made, which indicated that he hadn’t slept on it just yet. His table was slightly busier with papers surrounding it. His tablet was propped up, and Pierre walked directly towards it to turn it off and place it in his drawer. 

He turned around to face Alex, who had his arms wrapped around himself. His long sleeved pajamas were large on him, and it was evident in the fact that he had his hands inside his sleeves and his pants swept the floor every time he walked. Pierre rubbed Alex’s arms soothingly, giving it a squeeze every now and then as he moved his hands up and down the length of his arms. He could feel him tremble underneath his hands. 

Pierre ushered Alex to the bed, removing the covers and waiting until he sat underneath them before he tucked him in properly, pulling the duvet to his chin. He sat down beside him, massaging his scalp as he scrutinized the Thai-Brit. He looked devoid of life. He looked miserable. He looked like he wanted to be anywhere but in his skin. He looked exhausted.

He turned the table light off and began moving towards the door. Right as he was about to twist the handle, he heard Alex croak something out: “please don’t leave me.”

Pierre felt a pang in his chest at how loaded that statement was. Not only did it apply to the current situation, but it also felt like a plea for the future. He was begging him to not abandon him and leave him there to rot like everyone else did. 

“Don’t worry,” Pierre said, joining him under the covers. Alex naturally drifted into his embrace and placed his head on Pierre’s chest. He was not trembling anymore, but he was fully shaking now. He couldn’t hear his cries, but he could see the tears brimming in his eyes, trickling down one at a time. Pierre pulled him even closer and kissed the top of his head, bracing himself for what was going to be a long sleepless night. There was no way he could fall asleep knowing that Alex was in some sort of pain. He was going to stay awake until all the tension and sadness temporarily evaded Alex. “I’m not going anywhere.”

**& &&&&**

George and Pierre were driving back home from a football game with a few friends when the conversation came up. He was sweating, exhausted and a little breathless, so it wasn’t something he was expecting whatsoever, but that perfectly summed George up: he was hard to read. Sometimes he wondered whether that was why they got along so well. 

“I don’t understand how that wasn’t a foul,” George complained, slamming his fist against the dashboard for the hundredth time in the span of ten minutes. Pierre was counting down the minutes until they would arrive at the apartment because he couldn’t handle anymore of that. He was going to lose his cool at one point if he didn’t drop it. 

“Are you going to stop crying about it anytime soon or will this go on for the next thirty minutes?” Pierre replied, locking his phone and placing it on the empty cup holder. “Let me know so I can plan the exact moment that I can throw myself out of this moving car without horribly injuring myself. Thanks.”

George snickered and put his hands up in an apologetic manner. “Alright, fine. I’ll stop, but only because Alex would be mad if I somehow inflicted pain on you, both directly and indirectly.”

“I’m guessing Max would be happy if I threw myself out of a moving car, then?” Pierre asked with raised eyebrows. 

“I don’t care what that shithead thinks. He can go fuck himself multiple times, and I won’t bat an eyelash at it,” George venomously spat, smoke coming out of his ears at the mention of their roommate. “If I physically could, I would throw him out of our apartment window.”

“Was it that bad?” Pierre wasn’t around when it happened, but he came home to two men beating each other up and he couldn’t tell if they were messing around or not. He quickly found out that they were not, and had to intervene before someone seriously got injured.

“When someone throws your notebook out the window - a notebook full of notes that you were writing down for the last five years - because you stepped on a wire by mistake that somehow turned his Xbox off during a competitive rocket league match, then maybe you’d feel as angry as I did,” George’s face was practically red again from how angry he was getting, and Pierre knew he had to drop the subject before George started road raging at innocent drivers. “All my hard work was thrown out of the window over a stupid game… I think I’m going to poison him tonight.”

“Leave it to me,” Pierre laughed.

George pulled over to a small bakery and honked, hoping someone would come out and take their order. Once they ordered enough sandwiches for the ride home and a few loaves of bread for the rest of the week, Pierre spoke up, “Alex has been worrying me lately.”

“What do you mean?” George asked as he unfastened his seat belt and pulled out his wallet, dropping a few euros in the younger man’s hand and smiling at him after taking the plastic bags off of him and handing them to Pierre.

“He hasn’t been himself lately. Ever since I took him to that interview, he’s been so down and detached from the rest of the world. He doesn’t eat. He doesn’t sleep. He doesn’t speak. He barely moves from his spot. I don’t know… I’m worried about him.”

“Alex is always like this after an interview. You’re just riding the wave with us,” George pulled out his croissant and took a bite from it, "it’s hard to watch, but we learned to avoid intervening with him when things go south. You haven’t seen his hostile side yet, and I hope you never do. That time… we were frightened. It’s hard watching your best friend experience the lowest of lows and all you could do is you sit back and watch.”

“I think this time is different though,” Pierre whispered, playing with the ring on his finger as he contemplated whether he should share something or not. “It’s worse, but in a different way.”

“Maybe you think so because you’ve never been around for the others,” George shrugged, still not understanding the extent to how bad this one was. Maybe being exposed to so many of these moments just made them immune to noticing how bad each one was. “Just give him some time and space. Being there for him when he needs you is enough.”

George and Pierre walked out of the car and began walking along the path, their toes sinking in the grass as they breathed the fresh air in. 

“I’ve seen a really bad episode not too long ago, and I’m not sure how much worse it could get. I don’t know how you’re so calm about this.”

“When?” George asked as he took another bite. He was no longer nonchalant, but instead was more concerned with every passing minute that Pierre spoke. Pierre was afraid to continue speaking because he didn’t know how George would react, but he knew he had to let him know before things got worse. 

“Do you remember the day he came back home in the afternoon and Max thought it was a one night stand?” George nodded his head. “He got beaten up. I somehow managed to find him on the floor in the middle of the street. He was drunk, and completely shattered physically. I took him to the hospital to get him checked and he had a few broken ribs. He could barely straighten his back without crying from pain.”

“Why didn’t you tell me?” He wasn’t mad, but he looked upset. If anything, he looked more concerned than upset or mad. He looked like he was calculating things in his head and assessing the situation at hand.

“It’s not my place to tell you,” Pierre said, pulling at his fingers as he nervously confessed. George was nice and sweet, but incredibly intimidating at the same time. “I wasn’t going to take that away from Alex. It was his decision to make.”

George understood, and didn’t seem to push on that issue. He pulled his lip between his teeth and was deep in thought for a few minutes. “The first time he was incredibly depressed was when his boyfriend broke up with him. It was his first serious boyfriend, and he was with them for a good two years. The bloke was alright, but something was off with him. Max loved him a lot, though. He finally found himself someone who was into cars nearly as much as he was, and if he wasn’t with Alex at the time, Max would’ve definitely hogged that guy and kept him to himself,” George smiled, reminiscent of a memory that felt like it occurred decades ago.

They found themselves a large tree and sat below it, now directly facing each other. “Alex never told us what happened or how it happened, but we kind of understood how much losing your first love hurts. He was completely disconnected from us for a long time. He just sat in his room and sulked. He questioned his self worth and his intelligence, among other things. We really tried to get him out of it by showing him the bright side and dragging him around with us, even to do small things like throw the trash out or buy toilet paper. I always wanted to know what that shithead told him to make him as miserable as he was, but I didn’t want to remind him of that period of his life. He lost a lot in a few months. He lost his boyfriend. He lost his job. He lost his scholarship. Nothing was falling right for him and his world genuinely felt like it was falling apart. He got himself out of it after a year and a half, and even though the stars weren’t aligning, he knew how to ride the wave this time around. He basically taught us how to do it too. The one thing I hate remembering is the long, sleepless nights that I would spend outside of his door hearing him wail and cry and thrash everything around. All we could do was sit behind that locked door and talk to him, but it was so hard. It was so hard to keep him in check because he turned into an adrenaline junkie, and he would do the most dangerous things to feel _something_. The day he broke his collarbone after a bad car accident was when he called it quits, and came to the realization that he was playing with his life here. I think seeing both Max and I sob in his arms after his surgery changed things too. It was difficult. It still is, because you’re always afraid that he slips down that hole again, and you can’t predict whether you can get him back this time around or completely lose him.”

“How were you feeling during all of this?” Pierre leaned forward and grabbed George’s hand, squeezing it in encouragement. He didn’t know them for too long, but he cared about each and every single one of them as much as he cared about people that he knew for ten years.

“I took a semester off to help him out with everything. I was watching him all the time. I cooked for him, cleaned his room for him, helped him bathe… I was practically living his life for him for a while. I don’t regret stepping back from university for six months. It was draining - a lot more draining than what I’m doing right now - but I don’t regret it. I don’t think I would’ve survived if I had to study when all I could think about was whether my best friend was alive or not.”

“He really cares about you and appreciates you, you know that, right? He looks up to you, and aspires to be as motivated and dedicated as you are to what you do and love. I’ve never seen anyone speak with as much pride as he does when he brings you up. All the guys back at the office know more about you than Alex himself since you’re all he talks about.”

“I know,” George half-smiled, his mind drifting elsewhere. Pierre wasn’t lying when he said that because he had never seen two friends who cared about each as other as deeply as these two did. It was heartwarming, and it was something Pierre craved to have one day. George cracked his fingers and stuffed his empty wrap into the plastic bag. “So… have you kissed him yet?”

Pierre chuckled, swatting his hand on George’s knee at the question. “Why? Do _you_ want to kiss him? Need any tips?”

“I’m all good,” George replied with a smirk. “In fact, I’ve already kissed him before.”

“Oh?” Pierre never heard this story before, and his ears perked at the prospect of an interesting tale. “When?”

“We were playing truth or dare, completely drunk out of our asses. Leave it to Max to choose the most inappropriate dare possible. I would’ve been fine licking his ass if he asked me,” George chuckled, shaking his head as he remembered the night, “Alex’s boyfriend wasn’t too happy though. You should’ve seen the look on his face. You’d think he’d seen a ghost or something.”

“Jealousy, maybe?”

“Maybe, but it was uncalled for. It was a game after all - a game he agreed to take part in, and he knew Max pretty well, so he should’ve seen this coming from a mile off. He was just weird about everything in general. We cut the night short because he threw a hissy fit.”

“You don’t sound like his greatest fan.”

“Nice to know you have good comprehension skills,” George joked, earning himself another swat. “No, I wasn’t. We didn’t get along at all, and I’m glad he’s gone. He was a different type of toxic, and Alex doesn’t need any of that manipulative shit around him. You, on the other hand… I don’t hate you, so I approve.”

Pierre cocked an eyebrow at his statement, “what exactly do you approve of?”

“You two being together,” George had a full on grin plastered on his face now. “I can pull the strings if you need help. You’d look cute together, don’t you think?” Pierre hummed in agreement, finally taking a bite of his bread.

“What makes you think I like him like that?”

“My hunch is never wrong.”


	6. but nights with you are so much better

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> The boys decide to go on a little trip for Alex's birthday.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> note: this is fiction. it is in no way, shape or form an accurate depiction of real life events. take everything you read with a pinch of salt. happy reading!

For Alex’s birthday, they planned a special trip to the Alps. George and Max both agreed to skip the first two days of the new semester to celebrate a new milestone in Alex’s life (which was just him being a year older, but it was a huge milestone to _them_ nonetheless). 

They were visiting the Auvergne-Rhône-Alpes. It was a five hour drive from Paris and was in the south-eastern region of France in a small commune called La Clusaz. After looking at numerous hotels, they opted for St-Alban, which ticked all the right boxes for them. Pierre had to dig deep into his pockets to afford the trip and make it a pleasant one for all parties involved, but he was hoping it would be worth it.

At this point, anything that brought a smile to Alex’s face and alleviated a bit of the stress and tension he was going through would make it worth the price. 

George decided to drive, even after he had to physically remove Max from the driver’s seat. They fought for fifteen minutes while Alex leaned on Pierre’s shoulder in the backseat, completely dozed off and out of it. Pierre scolded them both for making them late to their reservation, and that got the pair moving. 

The room was beautiful. They went for a duplex quadruple room, which was two stories high. The first floor was the living room area with a couch, television, a fridge and a bunch of cabinets for them to use. The second floor consisted of two rooms: one with a king sized bed, and another with two twin sized beds. 

Max and George fled to the second room, throwing their suitcases on the twin sized beds. Pierre was scowling at them both, while Alex just shrugged his shoulders and made his way to the other room. 

“He’s a kicker, so good luck,” Max mockingly said, patting Pierre’s shoulder. George was on the other side of the room trying not to laugh, but he couldn’t hold it in.

He hated them both for doing this. It was his fault for giving them the responsibility of booking the rooms.

Pierre made his way to their room and shut the door, walking in to find Alex sprawled on the bed, sleeping on his stomach with his backpack still on his back. He chuckled and helped Alex remove his shoes first before removing his bag from his shoulders. Alex turned his head to the right and smiled at Pierre, his eyes still half shut, “I’m guessing they said I’m a kicker, didn’t they?”

“They did,” Pierre replied, hanging his coat on the rack. Alex got up and removed his too, grabbing a hanger to put his coat up. 

“Am I?” Alex asked, a playful glint to his eyes. His brown eyes glowed when they were surrounded by white, and it was like a pool of chocolate that you couldn’t help but fall into. He grabbed Pierre’s suitcase first and unzipped it, passing his clothes to him so he could hang them up. 

“I mean… you don’t kick _that_ hard, if that’s any consolation,” Pierre admitted. He felt a pull at his heart strings when Alex faced him with a pout. “Your long legs are hard to escape.”

“I’m sorry,” Alex apologized, pronouncing sorry more as 'sowy'. He entered Pierre’s space and pecked his lips before wrapping him in a bear hug. “You can kick me back next time around.”

“What makes you think I don’t?” Pierre propped his chin on Alex’s chest and watched the way his eyelashes delicately kissed every time he blinked. He had the most luscious and beautiful set of eyelashes he’d ever seen. 

“Touché,” Alex leaned in again, but this time he attacked Pierre’s lips a little more ferociously compared to earlier. He was hungrier, and his hands were moving all over the place. If it wasn’t for the turtleneck, his lips would’ve made their way to his neck by now, hungry for more skin to leech onto. 

Alex heard a knock on the door, and groaned into the kiss. Pierre was smiling against his lips when he pulled away, finding it hilarious how often they got interrupted. 

Max opened the door without further warning - too impatient to wait for an approval - and called out for both of them. Alex stuck his head out of the cabinet to declare his presence. “What are you doing?” The 22-year-old blonde Dutchman asked with the largest shit-eating grin on his face.

“Unpacking,” Alex replied, bringing his hanger and shirt into view. “What do you want?”

“I’m hungry. Can you make me some food?” Max was standing in the small hallway between their door and bed, looking like a little child who was begging their mother to make them a sandwich in the middle of the night.

“I’m busy, can’t you make something yourself?”

“You’re unpacking - that doesn’t make you _busy_ ,” Max scoffed, folding his arms against his chest, “unless… you’re up to something else.”

“Max! Leave them alone and go make yourself a sandwich,” George called out from the room next door, and Pierre held on to every ounce of self-restraint he had in himself not to laugh at that. George truly acted like a parent when these two were involved. 

“Shut up!” Max shouted back, stomping his foot on the ground. Pierre couldn’t help but laugh this time around, and Alex turned to look at him with a smile on his face. Pierre removed his shoes and sat on the bed, sighing when he felt his head dip into the pillow. “I’m just making sure that Pierre is still alive and well.”

Max invited himself further in the room and spotted Pierre on the bed with his eyes closed. 

Alex watched him with a raised eyebrow, and then went back to hanging his clothes, pretending like Max wasn’t in the room anymore. He darted between the closet and his suitcase, arranging his clothes while Max stood there and watched. “You can go check his pulse if it’ll make you feel any better. He’s alive, I can tell you that much.”

Max sighed and left the room, shutting the door behind him. Alex could hear George scold him outside their room quietly, and Pierre let out another giggle. Alex dropped the rest of the clothes he had on the bed back into the suitcase, and carefully placed his knees on either side of Pierre’s body, now towering over him.

“He’s something else, isn’t he?” Pierre whispered in case they were eavesdropping. Alex shook his head in disbelief before he started peppering Pierre’s cheeks with kisses. “Aren’t you going to make him a sandwich?”

“Fuck no,” Alex blurted out in between kisses, “I’ve got much better things to do right now.”

“Like what?” Pierre asked, struggling to form a coherent sentence from how distracted he was at the sensation of Alex biting and kissing his earlobe. Pierre pulled Alex’s face away from his ear and brought it level with his face, outlining his jawline with his thumbs. 

He watched Alex lick his lips before he uttered one word that sent his entire body into overdrive: “you.”

Pierre pulled the collar of Alex’s shirt to bridge the gap between them and smashed their lips together.

It was a flurry of emotions. It was rushed. It was chaotic. It was like they only had a few minutes to live and they wanted to cram everything in as fast as possible. Pierre felt Alex tug on his shirt, and laughed into the kiss when Alex couldn’t remove his belt. “Relax,” Pierre enunciated, replacing Alex’s hands with his own and unbuckling his belt. He threw it to the other side of the room and immediately felt Alex’s hands on him again, tugging on his shirt and untucking it from underneath his pants.

They heard three heavy knocks on their door, and they knew it was George since no one barged in. Alex groaned for the third time in the last ten minutes and stood up, ruffling his hair and ironing out his shirt before walking to the door. 

“Am I interrupting something?” George hesitantly asked. 

“Yes,” Alex bluntly replied, “I just want to unpack in peace. I’m not making anyone a sandwich. Leave me alone,” Alex slammed the door and ran back to the bed, throwing himself on the empty space right next to Pierre. Pierre felt the entire bed shake, a giggle escaping his lips when he felt Alex’s lips back on his face in a matter of seconds. He kissed the corner of Pierre’s lips, making his way back on top of him before he heard yet another loud knock. “I’m going to fucking kill them,” Alex threatened, his hands firmly clutching Pierre’s hips.

Pierre placed his hands on Alex’s chest and pushed him off, sitting up and tucking his shirt back in. “I’m going to see what they want,” Alex mewled at that comment and pulled Pierre back into his embrace, wrapping his arms around Pierre’s stomach from behind and kissing the small of his back. “Alex…”

“They’ll figure it out,” his voice was muffled, but Pierre could hear his words loud and clear. Pierre turned in his spot and placed a kiss on the side of his head, distracting him while he unwrapped his hands from his stomach. Once he got it done, he pulled away and got up before Alex could do anything. Alex swung his hands in his direction, but he was too late.

“We’ll finish what we started, but not now... and stop pouting at me - that’s not going to work this time.”

Pierre left the room when he heard the second knock.

**& &&&**

They found themselves outside in below negative temperature weather, sitting on two logs because Max wanted to roast marshmallows outside. “It doesn’t feel the same if we do it inside,” he complained, which was why the four of them were freezing as they all huddled as close to the fire as they possibly could to get some warmth without burning themselves.

“I’m freezing. I honestly think my ass might be stuck to this log,” Max said with his chattering teeth visible to anyone nearby. 

“It’s your fucking fault we’re out here to begin with,” George spat. If they were inside, he definitely would’ve shoved Max or flicked his ear, but his hands were shoved so deep in his pockets this time around from how cold he was. “You had to cry like the petulant child that you are and drag us out here. It’s snowing, for God’s sake.”

“Do you complain about everything?” Max hissed back, glaring at George. 

“Cut it out,” Alex intervened, not in the mood for them to wrestle in the middle of nowhere. George always picked up the role of a parent when he was around Max, but they bickered like siblings all the time. You could tell they were the same age, because they definitely did not act as maturely as Alex did, who was two years older than them both. “Can you guys go get some more wood please? You can fight over there while you’re at it. It’s a minute away in that small cabin. There’s a heater there too.”

George stood up first and began marching in that direction, with Max trailing behind. Once they were out of sight, Alex wrapped his arm around Pierre’s shoulder and brought him closer. He rubbed his hand against his arms, trying to generate some heat. Pierre was shivering, but Alex didn’t think it was that cold. It was cold, but it was bearable if you stayed close to a fire.

“Is that any better?” Alex asked, his tone soft. Pierre shook his head and tightened his hold on Alex’s waist, digging his head further into Alex’s large puffer jacket. “Do you want my gloves? My scarf? Maybe having a few extra layers could help.”

“I’m okay - your body heat is doing the trick.”

Alex refused to believe it, so he removed his gloves and put it over the ones Pierre already had on. Having a significantly larger hand worked in their favor today. He wrapped his scarf in a way that it would cover both his mouth and neck, and unzipped his jacket, letting Pierre’s hands wrap around his waist without the cool air hitting him. He was practically huddled inside of Alex’s jacket. 

Alex placed a kiss on the top of his head and ran his hand over his arm again, creating a bit of friction to help him feel a bit hotter. He heard George fast approaching, but made no move to remove his arm that was draped around Pierre’s shoulder. Fuck it, he thought. Let them think what they wanted to think.

“Two logs,” George shouted. He was struggling to drag his feet through the snow, and it wasn’t helping that the wind was so strong that it was pushing him away. “It’s not worth it. The fire is burning out, and we can’t even properly roast the marshmallows. Want to go back in?”

George now stood in front of the two, heavily panting. He placed his hands on his knees, and barely batted an eyelash at the close proximity between the pair. 

“Let’s go back then,” Alex confirmed, turning to look at Pierre who had rosy cheeks and a red nose. “Pierre’s cold too, so we might as well go back. The weather isn’t enjoyable enough to power through the pain.”

Both of them stood up, and Pierre began his trek back to the hotel slightly ahead of the two. Alex put the fire out and zipped his jacket, patting George’s shoulder and moving along. The snow was so deep that it nearly reached their knees, so it took them about fifteen minutes to make it back to the hotel. Max was seated in the lobby, rubbing his hands together as he sat next to the fireplace. They all took the elevator back up to their suite, and decided to roast marshmallows on the kitchen stove instead. 

While Alex was stripping his clothes off, George and Max decided to go for a quick shower, desperately in need for some hot water to wash off the cold. Pierre grumbled, but Max managed to convince him to loan his shower to him for a few minutes. 

Once Alex hung his wet clothes on the rack, he made his way to the kitchen to find Pierre boiling water in the kettle, still clad in his gear from top to bottom. His legs were still shaking from the impact of the cold, and Alex wondered whether his own body was immune to its effects.

“Hey,” Alex whispered, sheepishly grinning when Pierre turned back to look at him. His entire face was red, and he sniffled every now and then. It was so cute, and Alex felt like he was about to melt into a puddle of goo at the sight of Pierre, dressed in more than ten layers, with a red nose and pursed lips. Alex’s hands made a beeline for the two scarves he had on, and slowly began removing each article of clothing, discarding them on the kitchen table. Pierre said nothing - he only stood still and let him do whatever he desired. He unzipped his jacket, helped him remove his sweater, his beanie, his boots, his socks and both of his gloves. “Go sit down. I’ll get some warm clothes and bring your tea to the living room.”

After three minutes, Alex returned with fresh clothes that were on top of the heater, so they felt extra warm compared to anything else in the hotel room. Pierre quickly changed into them, sighing when he no longer felt any wet clothing stuck to his cold, frail body. Alex placed the mug of chamomile tea on the table, and sat down beside him crossed legged. 

Alex’s hand automatically found its way to the back of Pierre’s head, running his fingers through his hair. “Do you want to go skiing tomorrow?” Pierre asked, picking his mug up and adjusting himself until he was positioned in Alex’s arms. “I’ll actually teach you this time around instead of laughing at you.”

“Liar,” Alex mumbled against his cheek, rubbing his nose until Pierre pulled away with a giggle falling out of his lips. “You’re just saying that because you regret not getting your phone with you and you want to take some videos of me falling on my ass every two seconds.”

“No, I promise,” Pierre interjected, still giggling. It was his turn to touch the hairs at the nape of Alex’s neck, and it wasn’t until then that Alex noticed how touchy they were. They couldn’t keep their hands to themselves when they were around each other. Pierre inched closer, with his knees on either side of him. One of his knees was behind Alex’s back whilst the other was on top of his thigh. 

Max coughed to announce his presence, and it caught both of them off guard, especially Pierre, who jumped in his place and spilled a bit of his hot tea on Alex’s lap. Alex yelped and stood up, airing his pants to lessen the blow. Pierre placed his mug back on the table and profusely apologized, running to their room to get him another pair. “Sorry, sorry. I didn’t think I was that loud,” Max cringed, putting his hands out in front of Alex. Alex shooed him away, his eyes now firmly shut. 

When Pierre returned with new pants, he was still whistling out apologies that Alex dismissed, reassuring him that he was alright and it was just the shock that jolted him out of his seat. After changing into his dry pair, he walked back into the living room to see both of them still standing in the same spot, apologetic looks plastered on their faces. He barked out a laugh and looked at them ludicrously. You’d think they killed someone by the looks on their faces.

“It’s alright, I promise. It was just completely unexpected.”

Once George came down, they began preparing dinner. Pierre went off to take a quick shower, and Alex went after Pierre came back down with his wet hair to help George out.

(Pierre’s wet hair drove Alex insane, and he knew it more than anyone else.)

When Alex returned, George was preparing the table and Max was whisking a sauce, putting it on top of the salad and humming to the song that was playing. Pierre was tossing his chopped chickens around in the pan, completely focused on the spices he was throwing in. He dusted his hands and turned the stove off, smiling at Alex when he noticed him standing in the doorway. 

Max walked out of the kitchen to set up the table with George - his salad bowl and a few plates in hand. Pierre took that as an excuse to stand on his toes and he planted a quick kiss on Alex’s lips, wrapping his arms around his neck. 

It was something about being so far away from home that made this trip feel special and different. They were still in France, but he felt like he was miles away. He felt like he left all his responsibilities in Paris and bolted to live a more carefree life with the people he loved the most. He hated knowing that this feeling would dissipate soon when they had to go back, but he let that thought rot to the back of his mind. He wasn’t about to let it ruin this moment for him.

Alex wrapped his arms around Pierre’s waist and drew him closer, hips moving to the sound of the beat. It was a slow song, so their movements were steady. Alex leaned in and brushed his lips over Pierre’s. Pierre’s lips were like a black hole, constantly sucking you in for more until all gravity was lost under his touch. They were still moving around, but they came to an abrupt stop when Pierre’s back hit the table. Pierre gasped at the sudden contact, and Alex rubbed his hand on the area of his back that faced the most impact, but they hardly concentrated on that. They were both two busy exploring one another.

Until they heard someone clear their throat behind them and they split away from each other as if they got burned. 

George and Max stood in the hallway with two completely different reactions. Max was looking at them with a perplexed look, while George couldn’t find it in himself to hide his giddy smile. Alex felt Pierre shift behind him, and knew he was trying his best to hide himself. It was cute.

“Aha,” Max said, scratching his chin, “were we interrupting something?”

“Nope,” Alex quickly responded. Maybe _too_ quickly. “I was just… helping him remove his apron.”

“Right,” it was an awful excuse, and Max’s uncertain tone was the nail to the coffin. He walked towards the prepared pieces of chicken that Pierre was cooking and held the plate up for both of them to see, “I’ll go put this on the table.”

Max left the kitchen quickly, but George stayed put, a shit-eating grin still plastered on his face. He approached the two of them, and clasped his hand on Alex’s shoulder. “It’s about bloody time,” He announced, clapping loudly. He earned himself a playful shove from Alex for that. “Good to know you both finally came to your senses and did what needed to be done.”

“Shut up,” Alex embarrassingly muttered, feeling his face turn red. Leave it to his best friend to make him uncomfortable with the simplest of statements. 

“I’m happy for you, bud… for both of you,” George sincerely said, peering behind Alex to give Pierre’s arm a squeeze. “Congratulations are in order. You both deserve nothing but the best, and I’m not just saying that because we’re friends. I’m saying that because I truly believe it. Now come on, the food’s getting cold.”

Alex held his hand out for Pierre, and intertwined their fingers as they left the kitchen and went to have a seat on the dining table.

**& &&&**

It was at breakfast when Max finally broke his radio silence.

He ate dinner in silence (at least for his standards) and despite it being pleasant, it was bizarre not hearing him and George fight over the smallest of things or complain about something that irked him. They decided to enjoy it while it lasted, and it only lasted for a night.

“How long have you guys been together?” Max began, pointing at them both with his butter coated knife. George raised an eyebrow and kicked Max underneath the table. “It’s just a question. They don’t have to answer it if they don't want to.”

“Two months and a half,” Pierre absentmindedly responded, too busy spreading cheese on his bread. He still had bed hair, and his eyes were barely opening. “I mean… _together_ is one way to phrase it.”

“You’re not official?” George glanced at Alex, as if he was directly questioning him instead of them both. “Is it a label thing?”

“Not at all, it just hasn’t come up in conversation,” he wasn’t wrong about that. They didn’t escalate that far just yet, and they were in no rush to put names on things. They just let things happen. “It doesn’t matter though.”

“He’s my _boyfriend_ , if that’s what you’re asking,” Alex pointed out, ensuring that he sounded the word out clearly for everyone to hear. Pierre, who was so occupied spreading his jam and cheese, looked up and stared at Alex. He was looking for some type of quiver or uncertainty in his features that would indicate that this was all for show, but Alex appeared to be confident in his words, and Pierre’s heart jumped an extra beat. 

“So you’re telling me that Alex went ahead and found himself a boyfriend, and I’m still sitting here empty handed? This must be a fluke,” Max said, earning himself a chuckle from George. “There is a glitch in the matrix.”

“You live the bachelor life. I’m not sure what you’re expecting yourself to land,” Pierre noted, handing Max the piece of bread he just spent ten minutes making. Max gleefully took it off his hands and took a large bite, chewing nervously. 

“You fear commitment too,” George added, pointing his finger at him. “Maybe if you didn’t spend your time whoring around…”

“Being tied to one person for so long is boring. Where’s the flavor in that?” Max replied, making sure to quote his favorite meme. George rolled his eyes at his statement, even more so because he was fed up of hearing Max use that phrase.

“This is why I’m so glad you don’t have a girlfriend right now. I would actually scare her away for her own sanity, or at least until you fix up,” George chided, completely serious. Max groaned and threw a tiny loaf of bread at him, tired of his insults. It was too early in the morning for this. “What’s the plan for today? Max and I are going to hike. I heard good things about the ice cave, if you guys want to give that a look.”

“I was thinking of taking him skiing again, but this time I’ll actually try to help him out. If it doesn’t work out, we can come back here and look at some of the facilities.”

“Is the reservation confirmed?” George asked, and Alex titled his head to the side. _Reservation?_

“Yeah. You’re welcome to tag along if you guys are done by then,” Pierre replied. When he noticed Alex’s confused look, he grabbed his hand. “You need to book the facilities in advance if you want to use them. The sauna, swimming pool, ice cave and all that. It’s a private facility, so we’ll have the whole place to ourselves for thirty minutes.”

After breakfast, George and Max packed their stuff and quickly left, hoping to catch the bus and join the rest of the hikers to the off-site location. Alex was laying on the bed, his elbows propped on the mattress as he watched Pierre dry his hair. Once he turned it off and unplugged the hair dryer from the socket, he turned around and sat on the edge of the bed, intently watching the younger man scrutinize him from top to bottom. 

“Are you sure you want to go skiing? We can ditch it. I don’t want us to miss our reservation.”

“I see you’re dodging the prospect of going back out and landing on your ass,” Pierre laughed, wrinkling his nose. “Don’t worry about it. We have loads of time. I’m pretty sure they can make it on time too. It’s just a matter of whether they’re up for it or not by the time they’re back.”

Alex’s phone buzzed, and he stuck his tongue out at Pierre before checking it.

His heart dropped. Who knew that receiving a message could dampen your day as much as this one did. 

**[Luca]:** _Marko wants you to come in tomorrow_

_**[Luca]:** It’s for the next task _

_**[Alex]:** I’m not in the town _

_**[Alex]:** He’ll have to wait _

_**[Luca]:** It’s urgent _

_**[Alex]:** I’m not going to drop everything for him _

_**[Alex]:** He can find someone else to do his dirty work _

_**[Alex]:** Why don’t you ask one of your friends? _

_**[Luca]:** Are you really still bitter about that? _

_**[Luca]:** You’re so petty _

_**[Luca]:** It’s about time you grew up _

_**[Luca]:** Should I come pick you up tomorrow? _

_**[Alex]:** I’m not home _

_**[Luca]:** I’ll come get you from wherever you are _

_**[Alex]:** No _

_**[Alex]:** This isn’t part of our agreement _

_**[Luca]:** Alex _

_**[Alex]:** Fuck off Luca _

_**[Alex]:** One message per week _

_**[Alex]:** We agreed on that _

_**[Luca]:** This is a special case _

_**[Alex]:** It always is with you guys _

_**[Alex]:** I didn’t even get paid for the last time _

_**[Luca]:** You’re getting €100,000 deposited in your account tomorrow _

_**[Alex]:** Thanks _

_**[Alex]:** See you next week _

“You okay?” Pierre asked, leaning forward to ruffle Alex’s hair. Alex threw his phone to the other side of the bed and half-smiled, but it still looked like something was bothering him, even when he tried to dismiss it. “Work?”

“It always is.”

* * *

After tumbling more times than he ever did in his entire lifetime in a matter of two hours, Alex called it quits and came to the conclusion that skiing just wasn’t for him. His long frame stopped him from learning the grips quickly, and he wasn’t too patient with it either.

Pierre tried to encourage him to keep trying, but at one point he couldn’t help but fall on the ground from how much he laughed. Alex struggling to stand back up after slipping was apparently the funniest thing Pierre had ever seen in his life, given how much he laughed and how many tears leaked out of his eyes.

Alex’s eyes were closed as he tried floating on his back, laying as still as possible as the water slowly pushed him around. Pierre and George were nearby, chattering endlessly in the background about absolutely nothing. Max made a few friends during their hiking trip and decided to have a few drinks with them at the bar, which was why he wasn’t around. 

“You have absolutely no game,” Pierre confessed, grabbing George’s phone. Alex was patiently waiting for that phone to drop in the water. It was bound to happen given how often they sloppily exchanged the device. “You’re actually so dry. Even if I found you attractive, I wouldn’t respond to your texts.”

“Damn, okay, _text connoisseur._ Drop some of your tips then,” George swiped his phone from Pierre’s hand. He pointed towards Alex’s direction with his thumb, “how’d you manage to land that guy then?”

“He’s actually a decent conversationalist,” Alex finally spoke up, eyes still firmly shut. He felt someone wrap their fingers around his ankle, and he was slowly being dragged in their direction. “For one, he responds to your messages in a respectable time frame. He also doesn’t overuse emojis and he actually tries having a conversation. You kill everything by sending an “Ok” out, like how do you expect someone to vibe with that?”

“I really didn’t come here to get attacked for no reason,” George splashed some water and a few drops landed directly on Alex’s face. Bingo. “But what was I supposed to say instead?”

“Anything but that, and maybe she would’ve given you the time of the day,” Pierre’s lips twitched, as if he stopped himself from making fun of George. Alex pulled his lips between his teeth before moving into a standing position again. “When was the last time you asked someone out?”

George groaned, leaning his head backward, “God… so long ago. Nearly as long as Alex.” Alex stood behind Pierre and pulled him into his embrace, wrapping his arms around his midriff. He laughed against the back of Pierre’s head. Of course he was getting the rough end of the stick here. George couldn’t help but ridicule him whenever the opportunity presented itself. “How long has it been, Alex?”

“Hmm, I’m not too sure... three years?” Alex leaned down and kissed Pierre’s shoulder, feeling him press back against his body in response. “I was hardly ever in the dating scene.”

“Yeah, you’d just bust a nut and leave,” George remarked, mocking an eyebrow in his direction. Alex ran his hands along the course of Pierre’s body, stopping just short of the waistband of his swimming shorts. Pierre’s hands immediately came up and grabbed his, interrupting his journey before it became too adventurous for his liking, especially with an audience right in front of him.

George noticed what was unfolding right before his eyes, but he didn’t say a word. “Damn, you’re that inconsiderate?” Pierre asked, craning his head to the side to look at Alex. He couldn’t see him though, because he positioned himself exactly behind him, hiding himself behind Pierre’s head. 

“Does he do that with you?” George asked suggestively, splashing some water in their direction. Pierre rolled his eyes so far back his head, he could actually see stars. Alex scoffed right against Pierre’s neck, sending shivers throughout his entire body.

Alex lightly sucked on Pierre's neck, running his tongue in circles before kissing it, wary of marking him. He gripped the Frenchman's waist and began dragging him towards the stairs, mumbling “we’ll just have to find out.”

Once they had all returned back to their suite, Max whipped out a chocolate cake that he bought earlier and cheered, nearly dropping it on the way to the table that they were all seated on. The room was filled with balloons and a lopsided ‘happy birthday’ poster positioned right behind them, which was definitely Max’s work. 

Alex sat there in silence, watching each one of them earnestly as they sang for him. He felt like he was going to cry because for the first time in a very long time, he wasn’t sulking or feeling miserable about everything on his birthday. He wasn’t dwelling on the past or thinking about his family. He wasn’t analyzing his every career or personal choice that led up to this moment. He was just living in the moment and soaking it in. He was surrounded by three people he cared about more than anything, and he could proudly say that they cared about him too.

Alex closed his eyes and made a wish before blowing the candles out. He was met with applause and a bunch of shrieks before his face was shoved in the cake. Thankfully, Pierre was considerate enough to remove the candles right before it happened. 

Max used his finger to swipe some frosting off of Alex’s face and put it right in his mouth, humming in approval over how good it tasted. George was about to do the same, but Alex swatted his hand away. Instead, he wiped his eyes and smiled.

“Happy birthday, babe,” Pierre whispered after Alex removed the frosting surrounding his eyes, cradling his face in his hands and planting a short kiss on his lips. It felt good knowing that they could be themselves in front of their friends, and that they didn’t have to sneak around anymore.

It felt good that he had him around. He was with someone who he deeply cared for, and he was frightened for the most part because he wasn’t sure he was ready to completely give himself to someone else. He was scared of what could happen if things were to end like they did last time around. He tried his absolute best not to think about that right now.

Alex was brimming with emotions, and he had to fight away the tears to avoid collapsing in front of everyone. He stood up and engulfed each one of them in a hug, having so many words on the tip of his tongue but not knowing how or what to say. He wanted to thank them for sticking around. He wanted to thank them for caring about him. He wanted to thank them for being there for him. He wanted to thank them for believing in him, even when he didn’t. He wanted to thank them for so many things, but he couldn’t, so he opted for a hug. 

After some champagne and a horror movie, they all went to their respective rooms for the night. They were leaving in the afternoon, so most of them had to pack their bags soon. They also needed some good sleep since the drive back home was long, and they were going to roll a dice to see who would end up being the designated driver of the day.

Alex was scrolling through his messages while laying in bed with his back against the bed frame, replying to whoever wished him a happy birthday. He made sure to look out for any messages from his family, and felt a lump appear in his throat after reading the message his sisters sent him. Fortunately, Pierre sat down on his lap and served as a temporary distraction, a mischievous smile hanging on his lips.

Alex placed his phone on the bedside table and diverted his attention to the brunette, his hands making its way to his waist. It was evident that Pierre was fighting off sleep because he was blinking slowly and he looked a bit out of it, but he was adamant to stay awake. He scrunched his nose and sheepishly grinned, “I have something for you.”

Those were familiar words.

“Yeah?” Alex croaked out, his voice deep and scratchy from how silent he was for a good chunk of the last few hours. Pierre leaned to the side and opened the bedside drawer, revealing a small wrapped present. Alex was sure that it wasn’t in there earlier today, but he was surprised that he hadn’t accidentally come across it when they came back from the pool. 

Pierre was blushing profusely, and Alex had never seen him be this shy around him before. He opened the small envelope that was on top of the box, and almost cried at what was written in it.

_I couldn’t figure out what to get you because nothing tangible could demonstrate or accurately depict your worth. You’re so special, Alex. You’re a shining star in the darkest of skies, but you know what’s the best thing about that? You’re my shining star._

_Je ne peux pas m’empêcher de penser à toi._

_Je ne supporte pas d’être loin de toi._

_Tu me rends heureux et je veux passer ma vie avec toi._

Alex looked up at Pierre and tried to muster every possible emotion he could with his eyes. Pierre smiled and ran his fingers through Alex’s hair before whispering, “open it.”

“Pierre…” It was a Hublot watch, and it was the one that Alex was eyeing for the last few months. He wasn’t sure how Pierre knew, but he was in complete awe that he didn’t really care too much. 

It was from their Big Bang collection, and it was a satin-finished gold case with a navy blue dial and navy blue rubber and alligator leather straps. He knew it was nearly worth €30,000 so his hand shook when he held it in his fingers. Alex quickly placed it back in its box and put it aside, scared of dropping it.

His lip started quivering, and before anything could happen, he hid his face in his hands and tried to contain his emotions. He wasn’t about to cry. He knew that if he started crying, he wouldn’t stop. 

Pierre giggled and cooed, then pulled the Thai-Brit in his arms and whispered sweet nothings in his ear. It took Alex five minutes to muster up the courage to show his face, and when he did, he nearly hid it again because seeing Pierre look at him like _that_ just made him want to cry.

How did he get so lucky to land someone like him?

He reflected on the moment they met, and how surprised he was to see someone with such kind eyes approach him. He thought about their loose handshake, and the way they always sat next to each other for dinner. He thought about the warmth he felt whenever they were together, even though most of it was spent in silence.

Pierre’s fingers were all over his face now, ever so slightly grazing his eyebrows to the curve of his nose to the outline of his lips, where they were currently positioned. Alex felt his breath get hitched at the top of his throat, and his eyelids automatically fluttered shut when the Frenchman’s breath mingled with his. 

It genuinely felt like time stopped when Pierre’s soft lips brushed against his, and suddenly he could feel so many things at once. He felt like his body was going to overdose on the sheer intensity of emotion that was traveling between the pair. He tried his best to drag it out - to take it slow - but he wanted to do so many things. He had so much to say, and he couldn’t do it like this anymore. 

His lips tasted like honey, and it was so intoxicating that Alex couldn’t imagine pulling away. His hands had a mind of their own, slowly lifting Pierre’s shirt and coming to contact with the hot skin of his back. He felt the brunette flinch and straighten his back, before returning to his previous position. His tongue had made its way in his mouth, and it was exploring the lengths and breadths of it as if it were on a mighty journey. 

Alex felt lightheaded, and every time he pulled away for an intake of breath, he found himself going back for more. More, more, more. He couldn’t get enough, but it seemed like that was reciprocated. He could feel all of Pierre pressed on top of him, and even though there was no gap between them, he still wanted him closer. He wanted to feel him everywhere.

Pierre broke away from the kiss, earning a groan from Alex before making his way to his neck and leeching on to that sweet spot. He was going through a flurry of emotions, and all he could do was sit back and tighten his grip on the Frenchman’s waist, trying his best to control his erratic breathing. It was a long time since he’d last done this. It had been a while since he last opened himself up and allowed his vulnerability to be on full display to someone besides himself, and it was oddly not as terrifying as he thought it would be. 

Alex was so out of it that he hadn’t noticed his shirt was discarded on the other side of the room, or that Pierre was now kissing every inch of his chest, slowly moving down. He didn’t even notice when his hands had made it in Pierre’s hair, massaging his scalp and running his fingers through his hair, tugging on it every now and then. 

Pierre had made it all the way to his belly button before Alex let out a laugh, feeling ticklish at the sensation of Pierre’s beard against the sensitive and bare part of his stomach. Pierre looked up, his blue eyes glowing and a hint of a smile hanging on his lips at the sound of his boyfriend giggling. He couldn’t get enough of the carefree look that was currently on display right in front of him, and Pierre wished he could pause and remain in that moment for the rest of his life. He wasn’t ready to give up the feelings of euphoria and pure joy that he was going through right now. He didn’t want to forget the sound of Alex’s laugh or the way his eyes crinkled whenever he smiled. He wanted to treasure this moment for the rest of his life.

Pierre kissed Alex’s stomach one more time, drinking in the sound of his laughter and the slight movement he made in response to the feeling, before he leaned forward and kissed him one last time. 

“Happy birthday, mon nounours.”

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> have a look at the hotel because it's genuinely beautiful! i'd drag myself there if it wasn't for the panoramic. definitely a beautiful getaway spot in the winter (or spring, depending on your take). 
> 
> translation:  
> Je ne peux pas m’empêcher de penser à toi. Je ne supporte pas d’être loin de toi. Tu me rends heureux et je veux passer ma vie avec toi = i can't stop thinking about you. i can't stand being away from you. you make me so happy and i want to spend the rest of my life with you.  
> mon nounours = my teddy bear
> 
> please don't hesitate to drop your thoughts or any feedback you might have and thank you SO much for all the kudos and comments <3


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